Gene Weingarten Below the Beltway
Gene’s four-ring circus Bring in the clown
A … ? Me: See, I have this friend,
currently incarcerated. Hypothetically, he might need to lower himself from a great height. Paul: Me: So, Oral B recommends 10 or 15 packages, then, for this application of your product? Paul: Me: Don’t worry. It’s okay
because I was framed. I mean, my friend was framed.
American Kennel Club Me: I am calling with a major complaint about
your organization. Every time I feed my dog chocolate, she gets sick all over the house, including on my 19th- century brocaded sectional sofa. Mary: I don’t think you are supposed to give a dog
chocolate. It’s not good for them. Me: Well, exactly! How was I supposed to know
that? It’s the AKC’s fault. Mary: How is it our fault?
Benefit Nutrition Me: I was browsing
in the supermarket aisle and found your breakfast cereal Simply Fiber. I just wanted to say it is the greatest product name ever. It’s honest. No pretense. It would be as though Playboy were named Self-Pleasuring Monthly. Or if, instead of something like Ocean Breeze, a deodorant called
itself Stink B-Gone. Barry: Thanks! Me: Have you ever considered expanding into the
alcoholic-beverage business? I’d buy Cheap Buzz® Beer or Talk-to-the-Porcelain® fortified wine or Wino’s Delight® malt liquor. Barry: I appreciate the accolade. Me: It’s not about taste! Barry: Right, it’s about the p-word! It’s very
efficacious! But you might want to add fruit or something. Me: I love your attitude! Barry: I love yours!
nother installment in my Pulitzer- Prize-winning coverage of the plight of the beleaguered customer service representative.
Oral-B dental floss Me: I like your product very much and admire its
tensile strength. I was wondering how many feet of floss there are in each pack. Paul: Let me check. (Checks.) It’s 55 yards. Me: Wow! That’s 10 stories! That’s more than
enough! So, I was just wondering how many strands of it you’d have to braid together to support the weight of a 6-foot-tall man of muscular build. Paul: I have no idea, but
I think maybe 10 or 15. It’s pretty strong stuff and kind of braided already. Me: Okay, great! Paul: Uh, why would you
Knorr foods Me: I hate your chicken-flavored chewing gum. Shirley: We don’t have a product like that. Me: Yes, you do. I’m chewing it right now. It’s
terrible. It comes in a little cube in tinfoil. Shirley: Sir, that’s a bouillon cube. It’s for flavoring soups or stew bases. Me: Oh. Shirley: You thought
someone would make chicken gum? Me: Sure. That’s what
Chiclets are, right? Me: I didn’t name this breed; you guys did. She is a
chocolate Lab. Mary: Me: So naturally I assumed, as anyone would …
Hello? Hello?
E-mail Gene at
weingarten@washpost.com. August 1, 2010 | The WaShingTon PoST Magazine 35
ILLUSTRATION BY ERIC SHANSBY
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