{spouse reform a c t }


anniversary. And there’s no better time to focus attention on the dominant theme of my marriage: me. ¶ So, how am I doing so far? ¶ How would a husband grade himself on 25 years of exem- plary service? Unlike a big-government-takeover census form, an individual report card would be the absolute fairest measure of a husband’s performance. ¶ Here then are the critical subjects fac- ing an American husband — and his non-biased grades:


Achieving fiscal responsibility Comments: The economic landscape has changed drastically in the past several years. On a personal level, my mother still hasn’t given me an allowance in 40 years. Recommendation: I’ve consistently come under fire for not recording my ATM withdrawals. I’ve remedied this deficiency by generating less income. I say “remedied” because the word doesn’t make me weep. Here’s one way I am cutting back on expenses. I used to eat lunch out a lot, but now I make myself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and chase it with vodka. Grade: B


Keeping the dog’s water dish filled Grade: A


Checking tire air pressure in family vehicles Comments: If only cars were dogs, then I’d care more. But then I’d be checking the air pressure of my old Labrador’s paws, and Oscar doesn’t like anyone touching his paws, much less checking their air pressure. Grade: C+


Suggesting we order pizza Comments: “But we just had pizza” is a common rejoinder. Recommendation: Rejoin rejoinder with firmness and resolve and, when that fails, ask nicely. Grade: A


Dealing with Netflix movies Comments: Occasionally sends movie back in the wrong sleeve — like that French documentary I refused to watch. And the Italian documentary. Grade: B


Snoring Comments: Just a note to the ear, nose and throat doctor with the distractingly nice legs who performed my uvulectomy circa 1996: The operation didn’t take. Grade: F


Making any excuse to go the landfill to throw out stuff Comments: “Free mulch!” Grade: A


Succeeding on Valentine’s Day Comments: Much like my brush with Algebra II in high school, I soon lost my way, became discouraged and abandoned hope on Valentine’s Day, which, by any other name, is Performance Anxiety Day. Recommendation: Divert attention to her birthday, which I’m pretty sure was again in June. (The census could confirm this for me.) Grade: C


Cooking Grade: n/a


Meal planning Grade: n/a


Grocery shopping helper Comments: I’m an excellent — if aggressive — shopping cart driver. My wheelies in the parking lot of Wegmans have no equal. Recommendation: I’ve been asked not to ride on the back of the grocery cart as it and I go lurching toward a new BMW that doesn’t belong to us. Grade: A


Dishwasher loading Comments: Cheap steak knives can go in; good knives stay out. Tupperware lids (damn them all) go on top. Some pots don’t stand a chance of getting clean. You know it. The pots know it. Your dishwasher knows it. Recommendation: Under no circumstances cram. Grade: D


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