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ONE


MINUTE MOORE


RANDALL MOORE


deep-fried blues I’ve got the


Remember when you quit smoking and


how hard it was when you’d see someone smoking your old brand? I was a Matinée guy and it drove me crazy


when my old friend Donny would leave his pack of Matinées on the pub table. I’d stare at that pack like it was the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m going through the same thing now with


food. Because of my foolish New Year’s


resolution to lose weight I’ve been trying to eat better, but healthy food is so bland and boring. “Have you ever tried Quinoa?” a friend


asked. (Yeah, I have. Tastes like cat litter.) My wife makes a chile with fake meat. I


kid you not. Artificial meat! Better for you than “real” meat, she says. Tried that too, almost gagged. Tofu? What’s that all about? Wouldn’t give


it to my dogs. Can’t even have orange juice anymore. Too


much sugar. Same with chocolate milk. Same with damn near everything. Fast food joints are everywhere when


78 BOUNDER MAGAZINE


you’re trying to lose weight. I put my face up to the window of a Harvey’s and stared at this guy munching on onion rings. I LOVE onion rings. Deep fried. But can’t have those either. I spent an hour – an hour! – reading take-out


menus. (The one from Willy’s is amazing.) I was going to go to a movie. But, nope.


Movies have Popcorn. And butter. What’s the point of going to a movie if you


can’t have a large bag of buttered popcorn? With a large Coke, of course. My wife makes me a smoothie. Yes! Who


doesn’t like a homemade milkshake? And then…I almost hurled. The smoothie tasted like topsoil. I could


have grown tomatoes in it. I was going crazy, so I went for a drive.


Dropped in to Bulk Barn. Now that’s a stupid thing to do when you’re trying to lose weight. I mean, the place is Heaven for anyone with a sweet tooth. But I’m there for the peanuts. Nuts, I keep hearing, are healthy. Then I find out I can only have good nuts, unsalted nuts. Come on, nuts without salt? Like popcorn


without butter: what’s the point? It takes time, everyone says. It takes time,


and after awhile you won’t even miss all your favourite foods. Yeah, sure, and after while I suppose I’ll forget what it was like to be happy, too.


www.bounder.ca


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