COMMUNITY
playground. It is important that your children know they can trust you. If at all possible, it is best for a parent or carer to tell children difficult news. It will also give you the chance to reassure them that they are safe. If you just don’t feel able to do this, do make sure you are with your child when someone else tells them what has happened.
Be honest and consistent It can help even very young children to have a simple story they can use to re-tell and slowly make sense of what happened. Use words they understand. Always ask them what they think about what you have said and make sure they have actually understood. For younger children, don’t give too much information at a time – small chunks are easier to understand.
Young children may not need to know the exact details of how someone has died but they will need to return to this at some point in the future as their understanding develops and they seek more information as they mature.
Finding the right words
Our experience shows us that there may be stages involved in telling a child or young person that someone has died in a military context. These stages may happen in the space of minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months and years. The pace between stages is led by the child’s needs and their ability to understand. This is in turn affected by their age and developmental understanding. The pace will also be affected by the situation; for example, your child may find out what has happened from other sources or from older members of the family.
Why does bereavement following the death of a member of the Armed Services differ from other types of bereavement? Bereaved military families face an added level of difficulty around the issues of funerals and other memorials and may feel the military system takes over when they would prefer to take control for themselves. Private grief becomes public property and although many families value the respect shown to their loved one, there can be the sense of not being in control.
Pressures and pain
The sudden death of someone important can cause great grief and sadness whatever the cause. However, military families have to face additional pressures and pain. Families, children and young people
www.raf-ff.org.uk
You may have lived a ‘service centered’ life in which your life has been dominated by the military – but has also been a major support system. You may feel that not only have you lost your loved one but also your
may have already experienced considerable fears and anxieties when their parent or sibling in the forces is away from home. You may find yourself facing agonising questions about how and where the death took place. And there may be intense public scrutiny and public interest at a time when you want space to grieve privately. You may feel unable to turn on the TV for fear of seeing the picture of your loved one.
Grief magnified
If you have been bereaved through a death in action you will go through the shock and deep sadness felt by people bereaved in other ways. At the same time, you may have to cope with extra emotions such as fear, anger, blame and confusion. You may find yourself plagued by thoughts of ‘what if’ and ‘if only.’ If a service inquiry has taken place and has suggested the death could have been prevented, then the feelings of anger and blame may be magnified.
Impact on families Families often want to protect each other after a death. It can be tempting to shield children from what has happened and from details of the death. Equally, children may try to protect an adult. Sometimes this can mean that individuals within families become isolated with their own feelings and thoughts – often with the best intentions of all around them. As an individual or family you may feel alone in your grief and powerless to put in place the support you need to negotiate the path ahead. You also face the struggle of still being a mum or dad to your children when your own grief is still raw and complicated.
Where the death occurred far from home it can be hard for children to grasp the reality of it of the person not coming home. Service life normally involves periods of separation and so having a parent away is perfectly routine.
Secondary losses Family circumstances following a death may mean that a child has to face a series of changes that can feel to them like a series of extra losses and this can be even more the case following a military death.
entire way of life. Those living in service accommodation will at some point have to move on and all the familiar landmarks and essential support networks will be lost.
‘…there was a loss of identity and prestige.’
‘We moved away to my parents – I lost my home, my friends, my support network…it’s been very difficult adjusting to the civilian world as a war widow at 27….’
Catherine Ind, Acting Chief Executive, Winston’s Wish said:
“We’re so grateful to Help for Heroes for their support with this book. We hope it provides guidance and comfort to those who have experienced the death of someone close, as well as practical advice on dealing with bereavement in these unique circumstances.”
The family has been informed is available to purchase via the charity’s website
www.winstonswish.org.uk priced £6.95.
More about Winston’s Wish To recognise the specialist requirements of those bereaved through conflict, Winston’s Wish also offers a full package of support using tried and tested methodologies to provide reassurance to the surviving family members, and the wider military community. To make direct contact with Winston’s Wish please call the national Helpline on 08452 030405 or visit the website
www.winstonswish.org.uk
The Winston’s Wish Helpline, staffed by qualified clinical practitioners, provides guidance and information for anyone supporting a bereaved child – 08452 03 04 05, 9am-5pm Monday-Friday.
For more information on how the money raised is spent, visit:
www.helpforheroes.org.uk
Envoy Autumn 2013 37
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