A Monmouthshire meander with Nigel Jarrett
S
itting in a Monmouth café recently and gazing at a curious hairpiece sitting like a contented
lion cub on the head of a man at the next table, I mused that the problem with a toupee, or ‘toop’ as we used to call it in the Eastern valley of South Wales, is the bad join above the forehead which in a wind resembles a trout on the verge of taking a proffered Blue-Winged Olive fly. Deluding others into thinking
it was the genuine article never mattered when it was called a wig or a hairpiece. A wig served a purpose and you accepted it as such. But a toop, being French, implies
vain trickery, the idea that you have a full head of hair and not a thinning pate covered by some ill-fitting object from a joke shop. Before
‘Dangerously Insane of Llanfair Kilgeddin’ writes in to complain that there are medical reasons why some people lose their hair and wear the false variety to cover the loss, let me say that I’m referring here to the physically fit who do it to improve their appearance. I’ve found that in Monmouthshire the toop is a reasonably common sight. Trust me. Or trust my opera- glasses.
In my idle moments while
meandering, I play Toop Alert. If I notice a suspect walking towards me, I dig myself in the ribs. Brief speculation ensues but I’ve yet to approach an offender and ask the pertinent question. I was reduced to helpless sobbing at the approach of a bad case in the main street of Usk - a Satsuma-orange number stirring like a hibernating rodent as temperatures climbed. (This, needless to say, was
66
during one of those summers when the temperature struggled above 16 Celsius.) Only marginally less amusing
than the toop is the Bobby Charlton Thatch, created by growing the hair inordinately long on one side and plastering it across the central desert area. For some weird reason, perhaps to do with sport, I’ve noticed not a few of these on my peregrinations, one of them at an Under-12 soccer match in a place that shall be nameless. Bobby got the joker’s message
and became an unashamed baldie but writer Anthony Burgess, who married a lass from Blackwood and once told me he thought he had relatives in Monmouthshire (one can never be sure about distant kin) did not. Burgess’s coiffure not only covered his modest alopecia but twirled about like a Scalectrix circuit. One wrong move with those cheap cheroots he smoked and there could have been a literal bonfire of the vanities. Oldie status is mostly
about loss of one sort or another. But a line should be drawn at indignity. It’s a matter of regret that George Elkington,
19th-century pioneer of electroplating, should be remembered not for his industrial fastening process but for the one that held down a hairpiece which in situ bore a not unadjacent resemblance to the hill fort of Twyn-y- gaer, not far from Abergavenny. Perhaps Monmouthshire is not
especially toop country after all. We do get lots of tourists. By the by, to anyone who asks
if I’ve nothing better to do on my meanders than stare at vain men’s heads the answer is ‘yes’. I haven’t been arrested yet.
MyCountyLife
Businesswoman Sally Smith has lived in Monmouthshire for 24 years. She chats to MCL about Africa, windmills and shopping...
Who are you and what do you do? I am a South African living in Monmouthshire, having lived here 24 years. I am married and have twin boys. I own two businesses in the county - a South African shop in Llancayo (near the windmill) called Biltong2u Ltd and a wonderful restaurant in Usk called La Cantina.
What do you most like about living in Monmouthshire? The countryside is very beautiful, and convenient for travelling as it is so central north, south, east and west which is good for my businesses.We are very lucky to live in such a nice area
Where do you go for an unforgettable dining experience? I have to say La Cantina! It is so unique, with good food, service and wonderful decor and atmosphere with super mix of continental and African music.
What do you tell friends about the county who have never been here? Well South Africa is very beautiful so it is hard to beat, but I tell my friends if you are going to live in Wales, Monmouthshire is the place to be. It has open beautiful countryside, not too many people, the affluent part of South Wales with wonderful hills, walks and rivers so not to be missed. Everyone who has visited us from South Africa agree.
Who would be your ideal companion for a trip around the county and why? Apart from my husband and
twin boys, it would be to go around with someone who has a knowledge of the area, having not grown up here there is so much history I do not know about.
Favourite town and why? Monmouth is my favourite town. It is comfortable to shop there, reasonable shops (even though Cwmbran is the place for shops) and a lovely drive there. And it’s got plenty of history.
Favourite place for a picnic and why? Anywhere along the River Wye. It is so beautiful.
Favourite place for a walk? Sugar Loaf mountain
If there was one thing missing from Monmouthshire, what do you think it is? Public transport! Trains and airports are so hard to reach.
If you weren’t living here, where would you be? My father grew up in Leatherhead, Surrey. We use to come over every Christmas to stay there from a young child so I have very happy memories there. My Aunt and Uncle live in Lymington, Hampshire, which is very beautiful with the New Forest. I love it there.
Three words which sum up Monmouthshire for you... Spacious, beautiful and peaceful.
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