Harold & Ethel. Harold: How are you feeling today love? Ethel: Like an old woman. Me veins are playing up a bit, the sciatica's masking the lumbago pain, the arthritis just doesn’t like this weather, and all that port at Christmas has really fired up the old gout. But thanks for asking dear, and how are you feeling ? Harold: Oh, I feel like a new born baby. No teeth, no hair, and I think I’ve just wet myself.


An eighty eight year old man was having his annual check up when the doctor asked him about his general health. “Absolutely brilliant.” replied the octogenarian. “I play golf five times a week and I’ve got a twenty four year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that, doctor? The doctor thought for a while and then said, “ Allow me to tell you a little story. I once new a man who was a very keen hunter, but one morning he was going hunting and accidently picked up his umbrella instead of his shotgun. Later that day he came face to face with a huge grizzly bear. He raised his um- brella and squeezed the handle. And guess what ? The grizzly bear dropped dead.” “That’s impossible.” replied the old man. “ Someone else must have shot that bear.” “That’s what I’m getting at.” said the doctor.


It’s National Bed Month. BRITISH BEDS BOUNCING LESS. British bed springs are bouncing up to a third less often than a year ago as the recession brings on a full blown sex crunch. According to a survey by The Sleep Council for National Bed Month (March), stress, unhappiness and money worries have dramatically hit our sex lives. Well over a quarter (28%) of those questioned said they now have less sex than this time last year. So much for the coalition.


GRUMPY OLD WOMEN. The Final Proof. According to a new Sleep Council survey, 24% of men say they never wake up in a bad mood as opposed to only 14% of women. The fairer sex is also more likely to stay grumpier for longer with 13% of them staying in a bad mood for two to four hours (men 10%). For more information go to: www.sleepcouncil.org.uk


It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins. Chinese proverb.


Craic or crack is an Irish term for fun, entertainment, and enjoyable conversation. Under either spelling, the crack/craic has great cultural currency and significance in Ireland. An older, related, more widespread, sense of crack is "joke", as in crack a joke or wise-crack. Another sense of crack, found in the north of England, is "news, gossip", which influences the common Irish expression "What's the crack?" or "How's the crack?", meaning "how are you?", "how have you been?", or "have you any news?"


I was assaulted last week outside the local grocery store. A young thug threw a carton of milk at me. I thought, “how dairy?” Then he threw a block of cheese at me. I thought, “that’s not very mature.”


Julian Bowen


Sleepstation Available in


Pine or White (Pictured) £375


Mattresses


Single from £45 Doubles from £79 Kingsize from £119


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