Wife from hell ! A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,


'Can't you keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'


The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been much higher.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your big mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's another offence.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driv- er turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP??' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


And the wife replies, 'Only when he's been drinking.!!'


www.bulldogmobiles.co.uk is owned by Damien C. N. Luke, as Sole Trader Business based in Oswaldtwistle. The main purpose of the website is to provide a price comparison from all of the retailers, both high street and internet based for phones and mobile internet dongles. This way people can find the right product and price without any pressure sales. Damien was involved in a disabling road traffic accident 13 years ago leaving him unable to work. With the usual boredom and frustration felt by many in his situation he endeavoured to find a project which would suit his needs. After finding the project but being unsure how to start up a business, he was introduced to an organisation East Lancs into Employment (ELE) who specialise in advice and support for disabled people wanting to start their own business. With their continued support the dream became a reality. www.bulldogmobiles.co.uk is updated several times a day with between 250,000 to 700,000 deals per day. Thousands of fantastic deals with FREE gifts like Games Consoles, Laptops IPods and much more. Whether you are wanting a Contract, Pay As You Go, Sim Free or Sim Only, it is all there for you to choose from. So rather than searching around the shops in this cold winter weather, sit down, relax and check out www.bulldogmobiles.co.uk and find the deal that works for you.


A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand pounds in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'That's damned decent of you !'


19, Bridge Road, Chatburn. BB7 4AW 01200 440736


Don’t Miss Burns Night 25th January


£19.95 Per Head www.thebrowncowchatburn.co.uk


Further details at: 6. Robert Wagner ?


Green at Heart for January 2010 By Wendy Anne Flanagan. Rishton. Happy New Year 2010 to all the readers of Green at Heart. Garden birds at this time of year survive thanks to the many generous people who share a variety of nutritious food with them and put out clean water on their bird tables and in their gardens. To help the wild birds build up and sustain their energy levels, they need to find, use efficiently and store the best available fat and protein foods. They require protein for maintenance of muscle development and the well being and condition of their body. Calcium is essential for strong bones, feather growth and body strength. Good quality bird food contains sugar to provide energy to combat the very cold weather. www.gardenbird.co.uk, a company selling an excellent selection of many specifically tailored bird foods, caters for the needs and diversity of most well loved garden birds. Or call Dickie on 01254 603443 for a wide selection of bird feeds delivered to your door. There are well designed bird seed mixes, but most garden birds enjoy peanuts, fat, sunflower seeds and dried fruit. Other Green at Heart News…. www.positivenews.org.uk tells of an eco-friendly collaborative global charity that enables people to work together to heal and restore well being to the planet. See www.restore-earth.org. for details. UK company Alara, the first organic cereal company in the world, have achieved zero waste status. Their success has been recognised by being named Small Company of the Year at the Food Manufacture Excellence Awards. See www.alara.co.uk for information and a good website. www.cygnus-books.co.uk in their current review, are highlighting two publications, Ask Mother Nature by Ellen Vande Visse priced at £5.99 and Food for Free by Richard Mabey, priced at £2.95. Eco-friendly co-operative Suma, www.suma.co.uk sell environmentally friendly household cleaning products, such as Washing Up Liquid, Liquid Hand Soap and Multi Surface cleaner.


24.


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36