FOR YOUR SPECIAL DAY EXECUTIVE HAIR


By Janet Ross.


Classic, Modern,


Romantic.


Call now for a Free


Consultation, all in the


comfort of your own


Call Janet anytime on: 01254 246203


Mob:07813 828357


Executive hair is a high class experienced hair designer with a wealth of experience in the industry. An ex teacher of hair styling makes Janet one of the leading specialists in her field, from a simple blow dry to tailored styling, cutting and colouring. For that special design for your special day Janet can make you stand out in a crowd, and she will give you free consultation and advice at your convenience in your own home. For further details contact Janet on: 01254 246203 / 07813 828357


After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, Huddersfield and some places in Wales!


The History of APRONS I remember my Mother and Grandmother wearing an apron and that is a distinct part of the very pleasant memory. I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, because she only had a few. It was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasions was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids, and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove, and kindling wood was brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables, and after the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the Autumn, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes. Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw. Some would even go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron. I don't


think I ever caught anything from an apron. Except love. Have Your Family Christmas Memory Framed


BEAT ABOUT THE BUSH…...Phil Woods & Steve Smith. We love language and to laugh at the funny things people say. We don’t laugh at people as such but at the language they use, particularly as we say the same things too. In fact, we often purposefully say phrases that annoy us just because they make us laugh so much! If we hear someone saying that they first saw snow “on this very day in 1978”, for example, we laugh in the wonderment of what a “very day” might be, but also use it ourselves… in the wrong context of course, to make it even funnier. So does this mean we can have an “incredibly month”? Did the Very Reverend Desmond Tutu not try hard enough, just missing out on being an “Extremely Bishop”. Sometimes we also take the opportunity to have a disapproving tut at life when it deserves it. We’ve been described as grumpy old men (well, I suppose we are 75 between us) and it’s true that we do like a good moan, but we try to be funny with it too. This month we’ll say a few words about Christmas. Have you ever wondered why men generally can’t wrap presents? For an explanation (or at least an excuse) let’s start at the beginning of the story. We give presents because the wise men gave presents to Jesus, but if we analyse the Bible we discover an important theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper! The first Christmas gifts weren’t wrapped, and this is due to two important characteristics of those giving the gifts: 1. they were wise, and 2. they were men. Men don’t see the point in wrapping something just so it can be unwrapped, and therefore don’t try very hard to do it. While presents from women look very neat and have a bow on top, presents from men look like the dog wrapped them. Remember the Biblical principle that wise men don’t wrap gifts. The problem is that women expect them wrapped, so the solution is to buy gifts from a shop that has a gift-wrapping service. That way the woman in the shop (make sure it IS a wom- an) gets to wrap something, the man gets to give a gift that looks nice, and the woman receiving it appreciates it – so everyone wins! But just in case, buy some myrrh and save the


re- Contact: Phil Darby on:


01282 779614 07814 022829 Email: ffandp@hotmail.co.uk


22.


ceipt. Next month we’ll get into language properly, having a laugh at fun- ny things we’ve heard and a moan at the strangeness of life. Phil & Steve. www.beat-about-the-bush.co.uk Local stockists of our book are: - Pam’s Bookend, 67 Queen Street, Great Harwood, BB6 7QP - Badger Books, 22 Keirby Walk, Burnley, BB11 2DG - The Bookshop, 22 Church Street, Colne, BB8 0LG It’s also available at many online shops, including Amazon.


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