Emails. As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year. I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing and every stamp that needs licking. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can of beer I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick Koala bear who is about to die in the Sydney Animal hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate. And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a food sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can't even pick up the five pounds I found dropped in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg. I was warned that if I didn't forward a certain email to at least 144,000 people within 10 minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea would sit on my head and fleas from 12 camels would infest my back, causing me to grow a most unsightly hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and it was on Good Morning Australia. Seriously folks, many thanks for all your emails and letters with all the jokes and funny stories, and apologies if we didn't manage to print them all. Please keep them coming. Ed.


Quiz. All the answers can be found in these pages 1. Who married Trotsky’s secretary ? 2. Who’s autobiography was called “ Something of myself ?” 3. Who first appeared on Coronation Street as a Policewoman ? 4. What did European Trappers use to thwart off starvation ? 5. Who first defined “ Horse Power ?” 6. What is the “Pluto Platter,” better known as ? 7. Where did Shoichi Yokoi take his honeymoon ? 8. In what year was the Gregorian Calendar introduced ? 9. Name three separate artistes who had hits with Unchained Melody ? 10. What did Frederick Wells find in January 1905 ?


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WELSH PLACE NAMES ! On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. They stopped for lunch at a place called, Llanfairpwllgwyngylgogerechwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch. One of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?' The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr . gurrr . king'!


A little white lie.


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


17.


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