horoscopes by vera divine
boarding their dirty business on Twitter! In today’s
GeMInI May 22 – June 21
delicate age of instant info, it’s hard to distinguish
between rumor and reality! So how can a wise old
It’s so steamy, so oppressive, so brutally hot, I can barely
goat like you determine the truth? For starters,
keep my clothes on! And if you notice, the weather is getting
always go “straight” to the source! Of course, some
pretty warm too! Ha! Just kidding, my little Geminem! I’m not
things tug our wishful-thinking strings too tenderly,
just being dirty without a portentous reason. I’m making ref-
like whether David Bowie was actually planning to
erence to those erotic tensions you’re dealing with at work!
make a cameo on American Idol! *Sigh* Oh well.
I don’t know how you can bear it, girl!…either one of you!
Gemini souls may be known for their ability to juggle both
AQUARIUS January 21 – February 19
extremes of a situation, but this time you may be walking
Do you have a problem with things blowing up
too thin a thread! Use that higher wisdom that you stashed
in your face? Of course some of you wanton water-
in the back of your psyche to guide you through this hot
bearers don’t see that as a problem. But the rest of
potato. There’s no need to barge into yet another disaster,
you understand the humiliation that comes of a good
buns blazing! We know you can take care of yourself, just like
deed gone awry. Whether you’re tossing a homeless
Naomi Campbell can. Is that who you want to share your
guy a few bucks or you were part of the think tank that
jail cell with? Well, is it??
developed Oprah Winfrey’s ingenious, riot rousing
“free chicken” fiasco, things hardly ever go as planned
CANCER June 22 – July 23 temperament…and you’ve got me yelling at you to when your generous heart opens a floodgate. Just
What’s this? Could it really be? Has our crabby come to a verdict already! No pressure, Libs. Deep remember, one day you’ll be applauded when all the
little mood-swinger finally found a companion worth in the back of your filthy mind you’ve already made right people are watching and your efforts will finally
clamping on to? Well don’t ruin it now! Just go with it your choice, am I right? Just remember that Olivia set some wheels in motion.
and give it your all! Focusing on what could go wrong Newton-John doesn’t think twice about working
is a mistake that you won’t forgive yourself for making. with charitable foundations and fundraising benefits. PISCES February 20 – March 20
Wake up and take a good look at what you’ve got right But, if you want to keep battling it out with yourself, I What now? Doesn’t it just drive you to drink when
in front of you! You don’t have to be the Dalai Lama to wash my hands of thee! you’ve done everything you’re “supposed” to do and
figure out how to keep happiness in your grasp, but you’re still left feeling restless? Well not everything
having an upcoming birthday doesn’t hurt either! SCORPIO October 24 – November 22 in life was accompanied with a set of emotional
When is it okay to forget the past and start fresh instructions, you know! It won’t always feel “right” or
LEO July 24 – August 23 without chagrin? How about NOW!? The most “natural” to take another step toward a commitment,
What’s eating you, little Leo? You’d better retract outstanding displays of resilience often occur at the but it doesn’t mean there’s any less happiness down
those claws and slap a muzzle on that disrespectful spur of the moment, when people stop showering the road! Be like Drew Barrymore and jump into a
back-roar of yours! Yes, you’ve got a few things hang- shame on their actions, pick themselves up and strut living situation with your loved one. It will be a learn-
ing on the line at the moment, but try to see that the with a confidence that only comes with the certainty ing experience for sure, and the very fact that you’re
people around you are only trying to help you get the that they can do better the next time around! Just be letting them in is a sure sign of growth! Now if only I
respect you deserve! Stay humble and go with the sure your evaluators WANT you to try again. Some can get Justin Long to move back in with me!
flow. But in Billy Bob Thornton’s case, get over your- things, like Roseanne’s roaring rendition of “The
self and answer the questions your interviewer asks Star-Spangled Banner,” should remain buried deep ARIES March 21 – April 20
you without whipping out the Miss Thing brattitude! in the sewers of history. What’s your secret, Aries? How do you keep charg-
ing ahead, impervious to criticism and heckling? I
VIRGO August 24 – September 23 SAGITTARIUS November 23 – December 22 think it’s the fact that you realize they’re only cutting
Communication is key, my hermetically-sealed My my my! Aren’t we the determined little archer? you down because they’re intimidated by you! Be
one. Open that pretty little mouth of yours and use If you’re planning to outdo yourself and prove to us proud that you’re above all those games. You don’t
it for the purpose of clarifying ideas and bringing en- AGAIN that you can excel on your chosen path, there need sneaky tactics to win. But you will need a clean
lightenment. Don’t get me wrong, you’re adorable to are a couple things you should keep in mind. Don’t conscience! Be prepared to have every innocent mis-
look at. And your usual silent demeanor is a gift from give us more of what we didn’t ask for, make us ap- take magnified by the opposition. Conan O’Brien
the gods after dealing with people who offer their preciate something completely new and different! knows to watch his every step if he’s to keep his pre-
two unwanted cents. But now is the time for you to But remember to oil our gears so we’ll better receive cious new TV slot.
take charge of a few things and express exactly what the unexpected bumps and grinds, otherwise we’ll
you need to convey. With his upcoming dual role as feel invaded and used! Oh, wait. That’s something TAURUS April 21 – May 21
Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, Keanu Reeves sure can’t afford to else…but still good advice! Anyway, with yet another Tired of being seen AS something, but not really
hush those kissable lips of his for very much longer! surprise sequel coming to theaters, Ben Stiller can being seen? I feel your pain, baby bull. But don’t worry,
use all the advice he can get! you’ll soon have your chance to tear off all your pack-
LIBRA September 24 – October 23 aging and be the focus of marvel for all to appreciate.
On the fence about something are you, little Libra? CAPRICORN December 23 – January 20 After years of being known by countless men as “That
Ha! As if I even need to ask. Well no one’s as well- Don’t believe everything you hear! There are no chick who bounces,” Carmen Electra is finally getting
equipped as you to make these kinds of command discount days at In-n-Out Burger, Patrick Swayze still the recognition for being a kind-hearted animal lover
decisions. You’ve got brains, you’ve got an even has a pulse…and no, not THAT many people are bill- and giving philanthropist…who bounces.
88 RAGE monthly | June 2009
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