fruit fly
by angelica osborne
When I tell people I have been writing for The Rage
Monthly for two years now, I often get the question,
“How do you keep coming up with stuff to write
about?” Truthfully, the real challenge I face is which
homophobic, bigoted A-hole to write about first!
There’s so many of them! All I have to do is look in the
news, they are EVERYWHERE. This past month I was
torn between GOP Chairman Michael Steele state-
ments saying gay marriage will hurt small businesses
(!?!) or Yuri M. Luzhkov, the Kremlin-backed mayor
of Moscow, who described gay marches as “satanic.”
Both men fit the requirements to a tee for a Fruit Fly
article, mocking their ignorance. How to choose.
Before I could weigh out the idiocracy of these two, I
was looking online for info on the most nutritious soy
milk and came across this wanker, Jim Rutz, whose
article on the World Net Daily Exclusive Commentary
is titled, “Soy is making kids Gay.” Yup. No jokes, no
sarcasm, he’s dead serious. Folks, we have a winner
for this month’s article! Here’s just a piece of his
flawed intellectual theory...
“The root problem is that soy is loaded with large S oy.
amounts of isoflavones, plant estrogens that operate
like human female estrogen, which already occurs
It’S what’S
naturally in our bodies, male and female. The brain
can be irrevocably changed by excess estrogens,
for DInner...
which suppress testosterone. The sex organs are
also affected during the key developmental phases
of pregnancy and infancy. That may contribute to
If you
altered sexual behavior and sexual preference. The
danger zone is the first three months of both preg-
wanna
nancy and infancy, when male physiology is still de-
veloping. No, they won’t wake up some morning with
make
floppy wrists and a nasal lisp, but they may begin to
gravitate toward social circles where they feel more
comfortable and less expected to be rowdy or brag
gay babIeS!
about a string of sexual conquests. In other words,
a girl-chasing, football-playing college boy won’t
feedback?
fruitfly@ragemonthly.com
go gay even if he becomes a vegetarian or snacks all a gay bar and wants something to blame it on, like vegetarians out here now they want to do a smear
day on soy energy bars, but my concern is that the in- the edemame his mom ate while she was pregnant. I campaign on soy, or he’s as queer as the day is long
creasing number of less robust 15-year-olds who are love how he says “they won’t wake up some morning and is desperately trying to find a reason. He also
already “struggling with their sexual identity” will be with floppy wrists and a nasal lisp.” A nasal lisp? What lists undescended testicals as a part of the “tragic
shoved over that thin line into homosexuality. Sadly, the hell is that? Can your nose have a lisp? Isn’t a lisp result,” so my guess is he’s scrotumally challenged as
vegan moms-to-be think they are eating healthfully when you can’t pronounce the letter “S”? Who wants well, which might explain some of the bitterness I’m
when they swig soy milk and eat veggie burgers. The their nose to make the “S” sound anyway? So, by this sensing off him. So sad that he can’t celebrate who
tragic result can be undescended testicles, hypospa- logic if a guy has a deviated septum, he must be the he is! What a wasted life to spend your days fighting
dias or even homosexuality. No study says that soy manliest, straightest hetero of them all. And what against having the one thing you want. Love. A
dooms a child to homosexuality, but it’s not hard to makes numb-nuts think gay guys can’t be rowdy partner. So he takes his displaced anger out onto
believe that at some point during pregnancy babies and brag about sexual conquests, too? I have been that effeminate veggie, the soybean. So, you see?
are hardwired for sexual preference.” a vegetarian for 18 years now. I ate soy all during my You need not worry your pretty little heads, my Fruit
See how easy my job is? I could almost just print pregnancy, but if my daughter is gay it’s not because Fly fans, as long as there are hatemongers and dum-
Mr. Rutz’s article and post a pic beside it of me and my her “phytoestrogens” were too high, it’s because dums in the world, I will always have a rich supply
friends pointing and laughing and that would suffice she fell in love with another woman. Here’s what I’m of writing material flowing from the Internet. Now
on its own. My suspicion is this guy probably finds thinking... either this guy works for the meat industry to warm up my Morningstar Veggie Dog. Mmmm...
himself from time to time giving a half n’ half outside who is freaking out because there’s so many of us yummy gayness...
22 RAGE monthly | June 2009
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