spotlight
names. And the blacks enjoy the n-word! They eat it up! So basically, I give the
people what they want. Isn’t that nice of me?
RAGE: Where did you grow up?
LL: Connecticut! Can’t you tell ‘cause I’m
claaaassy?
“I love [Kathy Griffin] because she can take
RAGE: Were you as quick and witty as a kid?
a joke…she’s not scared of celebrities.
LL: Oh yes, but you know, the beatings
She s#!ts on them, she names names, she’s
from my mother kind of staved it off until
I was 30. So I was like, “You know what?
brave. I also love the fact that she dares to
Let me use this to my advantage, kind of
wear hair extensions like mine. Real tits,
be humorous in a stealthy sort of way in
fake hair—that’s the way to go.”
high school.” Oh and by the way, who’s
funnier than me? No one! Who was voted
class clown? Not me, Michelle Sweeney!
What the f@&%? She brings nothing to the
table, okay? I bring it to the table, I set the table and I eat it! Michelle Sweeney…I
hope she’s dead!
RAGE: I understand you worked as a writer for Rolling Stone interviewing celebrities.
LL: Let me tell you something about these journalists, I got sick of earning 12
grand a year! Aren’t you sick of it yet? Do fag papers pay more than regulars?
RAGE: …They’re supposed to pay you?
LL: Well, they aren’t just supposed to pipe you at the end of the day. (Laughter)
RAGE: Tell me about your fellow comic icon Don Rickles.
LL: I love him, that dirty heap. But isn’t it time, Don? Get in the f@&%ing coffin!
You’re a dirty old Jew; you’ve been doing this for 84 years. Please give somebody
else a chance so I can be the only insult comic in America, Don Jew Rickles. See, he totally not! Warmest person I’ve ever met.
really likes me and I like him. He sent me a nice little note because I did a tribute to
him on the TV Land Awards. I’m going to have it framed and then sell it. RAGE: Tell me about your upcoming book, Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat and
Freaks.
RAGE: I admire your equal-opportunity offender policy. Is there any demographic or topic LL: Oh my god, this is a problem. It’s called Chocolate, Please—which is about
that you have yet to talk about? the blacks. I read it back and it really reads like a litany of all the black guys that
LL: If you leave somebody out, that means you’re scared of them. If I left out the I hooked up with. The problem is, now that I’m onto whitey, we might have to
blacks, it would show that I held them in some sort of suspect way. But the topics change the title to Two Scoops of Vanilla with a Cherry on Top!
are very easy. I always talk about everything—the AIDS, the cancer, the lupus, the
Rihanna—I don’t care, they’re all fair game. RAGE: How far back into your life does the content reach?
LL: I go all the way back to childhood. The first part is what I’m known for, which
RAGE: A couple of my associates are curious about what you think of Kathy Griffin. is the roasts, the black guys, The Tonight Show, the Howard Stern stuff. Then part
LL: I love Kathy Griffin! That’s my girrrrl! I love that red-headed whore, despite two is how I got this way—growing up Catholic, Italian parents…Then the rest
her looking like Carrot Top. I love her because she can take a joke. She heard my is my codependency, my food addiction and really funny stories about going to
jokes about her and she didn’t get mad at me. I also like that she’s not scared of rehab for food and men. It’s available September 15th but you can preorder now.
celebrities. She s#!ts on them, she names names, she’s brave. I also love the fact Preorder the audio book and hear these lovely looping tones reading to you.
that she dares to wear hair extensions like mine. Real tits, fake hair—that’s the way
to go. If I ever paid to see one female comic, it would be her. RAGE: For those who are thinking about doing standup, what can you offer in terms of
advice—or warnings?
RAGE: You’ve worked a lot with Howard Stern. What have you learned about publicly- LL: Quit now, you’re not funny. I’m really funny. It’s called a gift. But you’re going
recognized personalities since getting to know him? to end up, at best, a writer for Craig Ferguson. You’re not going to end up a star like
LL: It’s a crap shoot. With Howard Stern, he is probably the nicest of all guys me or Kathy or George Lopez. Don’t start! Don’t persist! If it’s not workin,’ get the
that I’ve talked to in a long time. He goes to the shrink four times a week, he just f@&% out!
really works on himself. His act has changed a lot because he’s become a really
self-aware guy. And I’ve noticed he’s become a lot kinder without losing his edge. For tickets to Lisa’s San Diego performance, visit
spreckels.net or call 619.234.8397. For her Long
So it’s not always exactly what it seems. You’d think he’d be kind of a dick, but he’s Beach show, visit
longbeachcc.com or call 562.436.3636 for tickets.
54 RAGE monthly | June 2009
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