To this day, I still contend that he was unfairly targeting me for those other perceived indiscre- tions, but I have to applaud Art for reading between my vacuous lines within that one unfortunate “non-review review.”


Yep, buddy. You got me.


Another uh-oh I’ve encountered through the years has stemmed from a few of my dining guests. Again, allow me to explain: Although I tend to go on review meals with a select group of family members, friends, or a few industry acquain- tances, typically reminding them prior to the visit of Kenny’s Rules of Order (“Don’t order the same items as me.” / “Don’t ask the servers too many questions. Instead, let them volunteer the infor- mation to you.” / “Let me get seated first, so I can get the most advantageous view.” / “Act natural and have fun!”), I’ve encountered a few sidekick newbies who’ve unwittingly undermined my ob- servations.


The friend of a friend who gabbed-on incessantly, distracting me so much that I had to revisit the restaurant - on my dime, no less.


The guy who couldn’t help acting like some sort of mercenary secret spy by asking all sorts of inane questions: “Can you describe the terroir of this wine?” “Can the restaurant accommodate a customer who keeps Kosher and also has gluten issues?” “Can you ask the kitchen to make me a Bernaise sauce that uses an egg substitute?” (Note: Bernaise wasn’t on the menu. Adding to that fact, can you imagine being told to make a delicately-coddled sauce at 7:00 pm while you’re


firing 400 other dinners simultaneously?!) The couple who arrived first, seating themselves on the banquette facing the floor of the restau- rant, which, in turn, gave me a really great view of a window and the darkness outside. (They thought my predicament was funny, yet they never acquiesced to switching seats. Once again…re-visitation time!)


Finally, for all of the incredible meals I’ve enjoyed, the occasional clunkers I’ve come across, and the zillions of calories consumed along the way, I’m starting to realize that my own dietary habits are now much different than in years prior.


In truth, if I didn’t review restaurants, I would probably order meat only once in a blue (if ever) moon. I’m unintentionally becoming a pescatar- ian/vegetarian hybrid, which makes me feel so much healthier than I ever did when I consumed burgers and cheesesteaks like they were going out of style.


The bad news (if you can call it “bad news”) is that I really need to keep consuming bacon and blue cheese, salt and fats, and more than a drop or two of alcoholic beverages - all to fully com- prehend and fairly report on my subject matter.


The good news is - because I only eat and drink those items when I’m on reviews (and for re- search purposes) - oh man, do they taste better than ever!


Occupational hazards? Sure. So, bring ‘em on!


Ken Alan is a corporate concierge for CBRE.


He is the restaurant features editor for Main Line Today, and the founding member of the Philadelphia Area Concierge Association. Ken.Alan@cbre.com


Mid-Atlantic­EvEnts Magazine 79


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