The impacts of a mother struggling with depression or anxiety are far reaching and the impacts can be intergenerational: mothers passing their experiences on to their children.
Obtaining a diagnosis or label is vital however, because without it, there is no name for what mothers (and their partners) endure, and it desperately needs treatment. This ignored cousin may actually be a precursor to PPD and if detected in parents at the postnatal depletion stage, we may be able to prevent it from escalating further.
SOME SYMPTOMS OF PARENTAL BURNOUT • Feelings of detachment and disconnect towards loved ones or your child
• Exhaustion • Feeling like you’re not good enough – others can do this motherhood thing, so why can’t you?
• Hyper vigilance – a sense of not being able to finish the never-ending to-do list
• Yearning to be alone and away from your child or partner
• Experiencing a lack of feeling accomplished
• Living with a sense of pervading apathy or pessimism
Put simply, if you feel, ‘your child is a burden and your reprimand outweighs your nurturing’, you can probably assume you have increased irritability, which can be a key predictor for parental burnout, according to Dr Alan Kazdin, Professor of Psychology at Yale University. What can you do if you suspect you
may have parental burnout? • Seek support. Support is the antidote. Find a good therapist, talk to friends, family.
• Try to have time out and away from your baby, even short bursts.
• Commit to regular, light exercise – outdoors preferably.
• Find an integrative doctor and have your hormonal levels, a full blood count, and pyrroles checked.
• Don’t fear the negative voice but begin to distance yourself from it. Instead of berating yourself for being a bad mother, say, “I’m noticing I’m feeling like I’m a bad mother.”
• Admit you’re depleted, because guess what? You’re human.
• Be gentle with yourself. You’re not alone. Every parent struggles. Often.
• When you hold your baby, don’t hold your breath. Stress causes us to hold our breath and your baby will read these signals like a master. Exhale, and baby will relax.
THE GIFT OF DARK MOMENTS If you’re in the midst of this it may sound far reaching, but life can reveal shades of colours deeper and wider than is imaginable. Of course life throws curve balls – grief and loss happens. Who hasn’t lost it with their kids or felt mother guilt? Sometimes we fight with our partners. But these moments can be
our greatest gift. They are key indicators that we need a break. Mums aren’t superhuman; there aren’t tribes like there used to be, nor any perfect parenting manual (and frankly, for new parents Google is a quagmire of confusion). Parents need support and lots of it. When we learn to put that puritanical voice back in her box where she belongs, she’ll simply come to understand that she no longer runs the show. You do. The day will come when your baby will
eventually teeter out into the world, and so will you, trailing after your child. You’ll both make your way slowly to the park, marveling at the dew on a leaf or the squeals of delight as baby's outreached chubby hand feels flowers while gliding past in the pram. You may then realise that by experiencing moments of darkness, the light you see now is that much brighter. ■
NOTE: Kimberley does not advocate ceasing any medication or ignoring professional diagnoses. Any prescriptions should be used in conjunction with professional support, not in place of it.
References can be found on the online version at
www.livingnow.com.au
Connect with other readers & comment on this article at
www.livingnow.com.au
Kimberley is a women’s psychotherapist, specialising in reproductive and maternal mental health. She has a longstanding fascination with
the human condition and story and practices in Byron Bay and via Skype. Her book, ‘The Space Between’, is due out in 2017.
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