are hurt, or don’t express the hurt feelings we do recognise. Instead, we shut down, closing the heart, avoiding the possibility of confrontation. Or, we get angry and retaliate. Both of these approaches erode the love bond. Joyce, being sensitive to her feelings, easily recognises when I’ve done something careless, and immediately lets me know. I, on the other hand, have spent years hiding my inner child, and consequently hiding my hurt feelings, mostly from myself. I’m getting better at recognising my hurt feelings, but I still often cover my vulnerability with anger. ‘You hurt me, then I’ll hurt you’ is almost a reflex. The following sentence is our goal: ‘I trust that you didn’t mean to hurt me when you said or did that, and it did hurt me’.
5. RESPONSIBILITY REALationship requires that you take responsibility for your actions. One way to do this is to apologise to your partner when you hurt them… whether intentionally or not. You may sometimes be so focused on the ways they hurt you that you miss the pain you cause them. Rather than taking the role of a victim, take responsibility for your own careless or unconscious actions or thoughts. Once, on a camping trip with our three children when they were younger, Joyce and I were locked into blaming each other. The children were off playing, but painfully aware of our arguing. The
moment Joyce and I took responsibility for our own part of the argument, our faces relaxed into smiles and we hugged each other. At that very moment, all three of our children applauded.
6. COMMUNICATION ABOUT SEX Couples rarely talk about their sexual relationship. But this area of relationship needs the most tender and caring communication. If you sincerely incorporate the previous five ingredients into your relationship, you will notice an increased attraction between the two of you. We suggest answering two questions as a great exercise. First, what is most beautiful about your partner’s sexuality or your sexual relationship? It’s more appreciation, but specifically focused on sexuality. Second, what do you need to allow your sexual relationship to be even more fulfilling? Start your answer with something like, "I love it when you..," rather than “you need to…” Keeping it positive will go a long way.
7. SPIRITUAL CONNECTION Nothing is more important than cultivating a spiritual connection with your beloved. What is this exactly? It’s understanding that there is something bigger than the personal love between the two of you. Call it what you will; God, Higher Power, Source, Universe, or Divine Love, it doesn’t matter. What
matters is that you learn to trust this spiritual energy and ask for help. When Joyce and I got married, our different religions had caused us so much suffering that we simply threw it all out. We thought our personal love would be enough. It wasn’t. Our batteries ran down and we didn’t think to recharge them by plugging in to a higher power source. Finally, we ran into serious trouble that threatened our marriage. This propelled each of us into a spiritual quest that eventually led us back together. Today, the most important thing we do each morning is to sit together and acknowledge the Divine Presence, to give thanks for all that we are given, and to ask for help with what faces us. Find your own unique way to plug in and recharge your batteries. Create REALationship. ■
Connect with other readers & comment on this article at
www.livingnow.com.au
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are
widely regarded as among the world's top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
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