RELATION S HIPS
The mindful separation
It can be hard and painful at first, but a new and improved life after your separation is often the reward, if you are willing to do the work.
by Tamara Kay
ever after’ notion, loss of the dreams they once had, and loss of identity as a wife and mother. In my experience, women are more likely than men to give their power away in relationships when they take on the role of wife and mother. These roles can play a strong part in defining a woman’s identity in a relationship. When the relationship ends, women can ultimately feel the loss of the identity and a sense of failure.
“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings”, said the wise Lao Tzu. As a mindful separation consultant, I
see many women who, during separation, experience a great sense of loss. Loss of being part of a couple, loss of the 'normal' family module, loss of the white picket fence fantasy, loss of the ‘happily
26 JUNE 2017
LOSS AND OUR PERSONAL STORY That overall sense of loss can take a toll and create feelings of enormous shame and failure if women cling to their old identity to define their future. It can be really tough; I too have experienced this. My loss led me down the whole mindful separation path. Shedding the skin of your old identity before you take on a new one can take time. I can honestly say, from both personal & professional experience, that one of the best tools in dealing with a separation is learning how to let go of the past and embrace an unknown future.
We all have a ‘story’ to tell, and we all have to live our lives each day according to our highest values and truth. We will never move forward if all we do is conclude that we have failed because we have not lived up to our expectations. One of the things that can stuff our story right up is thinking about what we expected for our own lives in the past, and concluding that we have failed when those plans go awry. It’s happened to me and I’m sure it’s happened to you. However, this is not failure. It’s just life. By starting to view a separation as
an opportunity instead of a loss you can learn to trust yourself more, and the process of life.
SEPARATION AND GRIEF It is also useful to be aware of the classic stages of grief that can arise from a separation: • Denial • Anger and resentment • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance
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