You will go through these stages many times, over and over again, until you learn what it is you need to let go of. These stages are also present during any loss we experience in life and when relationships change. It takes time, but a new, improved life
is often the reward IF you are willing do the work. This can be hard and painful at first but it can be fulfilling when a new and often stronger identity is born. Ultimately, it will also make you a better partner next time around and a better parent in the meantime.
LEARNING TO LET GO The first step is learning to let go of your old ‘story', because it doesn't exist anymore, and it doesn't serve you anymore. My advice to help you through it:
focus on the present with some simple ‘mindfulness techniques’ as well as some expert separation guidance. It can really help you catch your negative thought patterns before they tip into a
downward spiral. Remember also to stay in the moment and BREATHE. And keep breathing. The key mindful separation words are ‘awareness’ and ‘acceptance’. It is good to keep practising these until they become a habit. It is perfectly normal to
feel overwhelmed, confused, and anxious in the first stages of a separation. I encourage all of my clients to look first at themselves, not the other person, and to try and avoid playing the blame game. By taking responsibility for your own life first, you will find that you start to reap what you sow in life and in relationships and then realise it is not about failing or the need to feel ashamed at all.
BECOMING MORE AWARE Here are some initial questions to ponder to help you become more aware: 1.What are your biggest fears around the separation?
2.Do you have an adequate support network in place?
3. Is there more you can read on the topic? The next step forward is of course to
take ACTION. Engaging a mindful separation consultant or other coach/ counsellor can be very helpful. Who you see at the outset can really make all the difference. And always remember to breathe, trust, and accept what ‘is’ and to view your separation as a tool to help you learn where it is you need to go. n
Connect with other readers & comment on this article at
www.livingnow.com.au
Tamara Kay is the Founder of Mindful Separation; the practice born as a remedy to assist those people thinking about separation as well as
those who have decided to do so. What Tamara noticed lacking in the family lawsystemwas a need for balanced, solid advice and a holistic, supportive and informative approach for couples and individuals in the early stages of separation and for entering the family law process.
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