LO V E
REALationship
Seven primary ingredients to creating a REALationship, one that thrives with loving connection. by Barry Vissell
REALationship… Okay, it’s a cute word. But what does it mean to have a real relationship, a relationship with substance? What does it take to have a relationship that not only lasts, but also thrives with loving connection? After 52 years of growing with my beloved, Joyce, and from our work with couples for 42 years, here are our seven primary ingredients for REALationship. Every one of our couples’ retreats includes these elements. Of course there are many more ingredients, but if you sincerely understand these basic seven, the others will come along quite naturally.
1. APPRECIATTION It’s great to give compliments, to acknowledge the things your partner does for you, or how they look. However, a deeper appreciation includes the soul/spiritual qualities of your partner, like kindness, generosity, joy, childlike innocence, or open-heartedness. Appreciate who they are as well as what they do. Acknowledge the biggest gifts
18 JUNE 2017
your beloved has brought into your life. This is real appreciation. Do it daily. I love Joyce’s deep sensitivity, a quality that even I criticised during our early years. Her sensitivity has allowed me to become more sensitive. Her capacity to feel her feelings with ease has helped me to more quickly feel my own feelings.
2. VULNERABILITY This is the fast track to REALationship. We’re taught to hide our vulnerability and instead, only show our strength. If I was vulnerable and showed my fear as a child growing up in a tough neighbourhood of Brooklyn, the other kids would pick on me. Hiding my vulnerability kept me safe on the streets, but did not work very well in my marriage. Joyce feels especially close to me when I ask for her emotional support, when I admit to fear, or when I let her know how much I need her. It’s the times when I’m the most vulnerable that she sees my true strength as a human being. And her vulnerability with me lets me know how important I am in her life.
3. INNER PARENT, INNER CHILD As much as we’d like to think we are all grown up, there is still a small child part of us that needs to be acknowledged. Our inner child gets scared and needs love and attention from the inner parent of our partner. Ignoring your inner child is guaranteed to get you in trouble with your partner. I remember one time when I got off a particularly difficult phone call, and I felt shaken. My inner child desperately needed comforting from Joyce. Instead of recognising this basic need, I started ordering Joyce to do things. I unconsciously traded vulnerability with irritability. Luckily, my wise wife recognised a suffering little boy hiding behind the irritability, and she asked in a soothing voice, “Barry, are you needing a hug right now?” A humbled little voice squeaked out of me, “Yes”.
4. SHARING HURT FEELINGS Getting our feelings hurt by a loved one is unavoidable. This is a corollary to accepting our inner child. Many of us either don’t recognise when our feelings
©DEATHTOSTOCK
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