City life
LONDON’S PROBLEMS
Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week Bethnal Green’s very own…
GINA YASHERE
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TIMEOUT.COM/ COMEDY
Dear Gina, The rubbish weather’s making me sad but I can’t afford a holiday. How can I cheer myself up?
Helen, Harrow
Dear Helen, There are other ways to travel: you could always walk and swim to the South of France. It’s far, but by the time you get there, your beach body will be on point! Or, if you aren’t the athletic type, you could stow away in the landing gear of a plane. I hear it’s no more uncomfortable than a budget airline flight. Yes, you may suffer some of the coldest hours of your life and possibly die, but hey, you may end up in the Caribbean. Or Russia. So choose wisely.
Dear Gina, Someone at work has been nicking my M&S falafel. Is a company- wide email about it too passive- aggressive? It has to stop. Fred, Holloway Road
Dear Fred, Of course it has to stop! Among murderers, drug dealers and terrorists, workplace food thieves are the worst, and should have the full extent of your anger thrust upon them! An email IS a little aggressive. You need to forget the passive and go undercover black ops (I don’t know what that is, but it sounds soldiery… soldieresque… whatever). I would go with the embedded- camera-in-falafel technique, it’s win-win. You’ll find out who the culprit is and – bonus! – they might choke on the camera. No more falafel thief. Maybe no more falafel, as you’ll probably be in prison, but no more falafel thief.
Dear Gina, I’ve got bedbugs and I haven’t told my new boyfriend. Now he’s covered in red spots and thinks it’s an STD. Help! Alex, Kennington
Dear Alex, Wow! I’d rather tell him that I gave him an STD than have him think my bed and entire house are gross, but that’s just me. This is difficult: you
Time Out London July 5 – 11 2016 18
could infect yourselves with chicken pox, then you’d both be so miserable he wouldn’t be bothered about crabs. Or accuse him of giving you the STD, dump him for a couple of weeks and get your bedbugs sorted out in the meantime. Then tell him you’ve forgiven him, and accept all gifts. Job done!
Dear Gina, I’ve been invited to a wedding but I only own smelly old Converse. How do you feel about a suit/gross tramp-shoe combo? (I want this to be ‘my thing’). Tom, Greenwich
Dear Tom, Trainers and suits are not a bad thing, but I get the feeling that with just smelly Converse, your sneaker game is extremely weak. As in dead. As in never existed. Why would you want to infect a wedding with cheesy nacho feet? I just hope you aren’t the groom. Tell them you have ebola, and can’t make it. Or go buy some shoes. I prefer ebola myself. Weddings are tedious. ■
BOOK
GINA YASHERE: TICKING BOXES à Logan Hall. Russell Square. Jul 16.
TIMEOUT.COM/TICKETS
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