City life 1
‘The 7.45 is delayed’ Your alarm has wrenched
you out of sleep and into
consciousness. Now you must sacrifice those precious extra moments in bed to catch your train. So you shuffle into life, whimpering in the knowledge that you won’t be human until your fifth coffee sometime around two o’clock. You’re at the station and this announcement reminds you exactly why you hate humanity. You hear it four more times before finding yourself boarding the rail- replacement bus.
2 ‘Cashier number
one,please’ You’re in a queue and it’s
one person deep. There’s a single till open. Directly in front of you a Yoda-like little old dear is being served.
She shuffles off, content with her purchases and now it’s your turn. The cashier looks at you and as you walk towards him – holding his gaze – he reaches down and presses
the button which invokes the disembodied voice to prevent you from losing your
way in this three-step quest. Thanks voice, this time I could see that.
3 ‘Any unattended items
may be destroyed’ Automated voices are far too
interested in our ‘items’. From train stations to supermarket bagging areas, they are constantly warning us to remove them, remember them or continually attend to them. This announcement is so omnipresent that it blends into the background, bypassing consciousness. And so
TOP FIVE announcements
Annoying public
you lose your items because you’re too busy hating the voice at Euston to realise your overnight bag is halfway to Crewe.
4 5 ‘This train will not stop
at the next station’ Against all odds, you’re on the
exact tube that will get you to work at bang-on 9am, despite the fact that you only woke up 4.2 minutes ago. Your shoes are on the wrong feet, there’s toothpaste in your hair and Christ knows how you buttoned your shirt. But for now the panic has passed. You relax, dazed but content… Then this cataclysmic announcement drops and alternate routes bob through your foggy mind like croutons of woe in a soup of misfortune. You will choose the wrong crouton.
Anything ever said through a loudhailer at Oxford Circus
Oxford Circus is hell; a miserable gateway to Beelzebub’s front room. Between the trailing suitcases and signs for golf sales, there are people preaching religious guidance through crackly megaphones whilst you stand in the crowd huddled like emperor penguins. As the ear- piercing evangelising intensifies, you begin to feel almost thankful for your descent into the tube stop of Hades. Then the overcrowded station closes and you have to endure 15 more minutes of purgatorial ranting. Clearly God hates you.■
By Robert Dixon, who feels the need to publicly announce that he wrote this.
CITY ENVY Great things that we love in other cities
New York’s giant swings
Time Out London July 5 – 11 2016 14
In today’s frightening world, it’s of little surprise that Londoners are retreating into their childhoods. Hence the proliferation of mini-golf venues, rainbow-coloured foodstuffs and dungaree-wearing across the capital. New Yorkers, in the midst of their own political turmoil, appear just as keen to stay in Neverland – as the opening of a set of giant swings goes to prove. ‘The Swings: An Exercise in Musical Cooperation’ is not only a big playground for grown-ups, it’s an art exhibition. Each swing acts as a different instrument, and participants work together to produce a melody. The organisers say the installation, which lights up at night, ‘offers a fresh look at the idea of cooperation – the notion that we can achieve more together’. Could play equipment be the solution to all the planet’s ills? Here’s hoping.■Flo Wales Bonner
TOP FIVE ILLUSTRATIONS: NATHAN JAMES PAGE/
NATHANJAMESPAGE.CO.UK, CITY ENVY: DAILY TOUS LES JOURS
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