RELATION S HIPS
desire as this wonderful experience on tap—this person might be sexually game in the beginning of a relationship purely out of a need for bonding. Then, when those hormones calm down, and a relationship is established, that person’s more genuine attitudes and beliefs around sexuality emerge, for better, or for worse.
But don’t worry, people evolve and change, especially with maturity! The best sex comes after 40….. and usually after the childbearing years.
This is the conclusion of David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage, who says that great sex and true intimacy are about bringing emotional depth into the bedroom: We’ve confused genital prime with sexual prime… for
males, adolescence marks their quickest erections and shortest refractory period… but adolescent boys preoccupied with establishing their masculinity aren’t very emotionally available in bed. A sixty-year-old, on the other hand, has more personhood behind his eyeballs. (76-77) A huge component of sexual desire overlooked in our
busy lives is its connection to emotional intimacy. In youth, blossoming hormones mean the desire for sex is as much about sensation, newness, and a highly hormonal drive for release, but sexual behaviour obviously has a huge bonding component, genetically hardwired, and socially emphasised: sex is what couples do in relationships.
20 JULY 2015
Much as a young red wine is not as complex as its aged companions, with age and wisdom, the emotional bonding component of sexual desire confers subtleties and complexities which enhance the experience considerably. Sure, there might be less urgency and lubrication – and more jiggly bits – but again and again, I hear from couples in their 50s and 60s who report that, when it’s good, it is significant. It means more than a bonk. It’s an affirmation of closeness that can verge on a deep soul sharing. That’s not something you get at age 20, and is well worth
cultivating.
Conclusion: Great sex at any age and at any stage begins with communication and acceptance When it comes to sexual desire, there really is no normal in
terms of libido, desire for frequency, and so on. Rather, there is an opportunity for communication, honesty, and a commitment to discuss and work out how to meet each other’s needs. If you’re wanting to get to a rich, emotionally layered experience of sexual bonding, the kind that ages well, it starts with acceptance of your other, communication, and a commitment to embrace sexual desire and intimacy as an important facet of adult life. n
Emma Michelle Dixon, PhD, is a sexuality and relationship coach, bodyworker, and workshop facilitator based in Sydney. She regularly presents workshops and talks on matters of sexuality as well as facilitates retreats on sexual healing.
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