LIVIN G & LE ARNING RELATION S HIPS
The nature of sexual desire over time
I’ve noticed in all long-lasting happy marriages that there is one key characteristic: both partners have always enjoyed sex and have no shame or hangups – so they prioritise it. However there is no normal in terms of libido.
by Emma Michelle Dixon
IF YOU’RE TEMPTED to draw any stereotypical conclusions about anything to do with sexual desire and what is ‘normal’, let me stop you. There is no normal. The truth, spoken in privacy and rarely outside a practitioner’s rooms, is that when it comes to sexual desire, there is usually some combination of unmet longing, resentful frustration, shame, and lack of interest. It is remarkable how much we adults, particularly older (40+)
and/or long-partnered adults, underestimate the importance of sex, given how sex-saturated our commercial culture is. I suspect that at some unconscious level, as grown-ups well into our working and family lives, we relegate sexuality to youth. We place sex in the same category as its pop culture references, deeming the act itself of little importance when it comes to the hard yakka of day-to-day life, rife with financial obligations, offspring, work-versus-leisure conflicts, and the passion- sapping domestic routine that comes with time. Yet, let me tell you, sexual desire matters vitally. I’m going to explain a few reasons why.
Sex is about far more than the act of intercourse From oral to coital and in between, there is no definition of sex
we will all agree upon. So I will encourage readers to decide that bit for themselves. The most important point is that sex can be many things to many people, and it’s nearly always a different experience
18 JULY 2015
each time. It can serve as a means to release tension and stress; as an experience of sheer fun and excitement; a way of connecting to someone for emotional intimacy; it can even be a transcendent experience which takes you to another level of consciousness. Crucially, it can take place alone, or with a partner. Here is a wonderful exercise to do: really interrogate yourself
and determine, what is sex for you, and then ask your partner what sex is for them? Regardless of how much you are or are not ‘on the same
page’, discussing why you do it, and what you get out of it or not is a wonderful validation for you both, removing shame, and opening the door to a better experience.
Touch is vital for mental and emotional health Sexual desire is part and parcel of our bodies’ longing for touch in a manner which is commensurate with an adult’s sexual maturity, but in fact it is part of a larger human need for touch which begins from birth. The earliest attachment studies by John Bowlby in the
1940s, 50s and 60s focused on children bonding with mothers, and determined that, without regular, consistent loving touch, babies will suffer significant emotional consequences, such as lifelong depression. Studies carried out since have confirmed these early conclusions.
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