problems accounted for 32% of marriages that ended in divorce. What I see most often in couples is dissatisfaction in terms of desire discrepancy; the person who wants sex least has a difficult time imagining why their partner wants it more. Likewise, the person who wants it more can suffer from feelings of being unloved, loneliness, and so on. A good counsellor or coach can help with communication and compromise in this area. Burying one’s head in the sand is easy to do, but sexual desire that leads to frustration can be overwhelming for men and women, and leads to all kinds of extra-marital frolicking. And this means women, too!


Women want sex – sometimes more than men For me, one of the most frustrating aspects of how as a society we relate to sexual desire is the outdated belief that men want it more. Research just does not bear this out. In recent decades, women are more liberated on matters of sexuality, and are also more informed about their bodies and how they work; so it’s just untrue to make generalisations based on gender. Last year I spent a morning in a professional group of


sex therapists and I asked them, who was the higher desire partner, men or women in their client couples? They were split 50/50. In my work, I have just as many women having affairs, paying for sexual services, or out of their minds with frustration as I do men.


When desire is not on par The reasons for a lower desire partner of any gender in a


Human touch sparks off a chemical chain reaction that


increases endorphins (happy hormones like oxytocin), which in turn regulate hormones, impacting favourably on mood. Sometimes, parents will receive so much touching from


young children that they are touch-saturated (especially mothers of young children and particularly when breastfeeding). This just means that there are times in adult life when our need for touch is met outside of a sexual connection; but this too shall pass. There was a bit of a media blitz a few years ago on the sexual goings-on in retirement homes, and since then, numerous articles and reports have ‘revealed’ that older people enjoy sex too – a lot. I have seen clients in their 80s looking for a better sex life. So it’s no surprise to me. The desire for sexual intimacy transcends age, even if with age it changes, is more infrequent, and involves a higher cuddle-to- bonking ratio!


Sex can make or break a relationship From the moment a couple meets, their sexual connection


matters vitally. Pheremones impact how you interpret and like your partner’s smell; loving their smell is not only is an indicator of sexual attraction, as well as genetic compatibility in case you create offspring together, but it’s also an indicator of long-term fidelity. More generally, over time, a strong sexual connection is key to lasting happiness. A study in the US showed that sexual


relationship are many: ageing which changes hormones and desire; lack of time; stress; disliking how one looks naked; complexities in relationships that make your partner seem less desirable. However, having had the privilege of working with many


couples who have amazing sex after 20+ years of marriage, I have long noted one key characteristic: both partners genuinely have always enjoyed sex, without underlying shame or hangups.


So they prioritise it, and any difficulties are worked around because, to them, sex is like ice-cream – you may not want it every day, but you know that when you do have it, it’s great. So you make it happen one way or another.


For some people, in a new relationship, sex is at a deeply


unconscious level about bonding, and this need (partly about genetic hard-wiring, and partly social, in my opinion) can manifest as incredible lust – the ‘honeymoon period’. I always delve a little deeper into attitudes and beliefs about sexuality when I hear someone say, “My partner was so hot for it at the beginning. What’s happened?” A person who really doesn’t generally value sex, genuinely enjoy their body’s capacity for pleasure, who doesn’t see sexual


JULY 2015 19


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