RED GREEN
Quote of the Day “You actually can teach an old dog new tricks, but it’s smarter to teach a new dog old tricks.”
It’s all in the timing
What kind of progress is that? I was in the mood for an iced tea
RED GREEN
www.redgreen.com
yesterday, so I stepped into a convenience store. I grabbed a can and went to the checkout. The guy picked it up and tried to scan the bar code on the side of the can. Now I don’t know a lot about bar codes,
but this was a shiny silver can with beads of condensation on the side, so I wasn’t surprised when it didn’t go well. After five minutes of unsuccessful
scanning, the guy tried to read the 47-digit number under the bar code and punch that into his computerized cash register. By this point, I was ready to punch a
couple of things in myself. We’ve been told that bar codes allow the store owner to track sales and control inventory. Don’t believe it. Bar codes are just the next phase in getting the customer to do all the work. A hundred years ago, you’d step into a store, march up to the counter and ask the guy for an iced tea. He’d go get one from the storage area, hand it over and take your three cents. Now you actually step into
the storage area yourself, rummage around until you find what you want, haul it up to the counter, stand in line behind a bunch of other customers who’ve
done the same thing, and then stand there looking at your watch while Mr. Inventory Control runs a beam of spooky red light across something you’re planning to drink, in the hopes that IF it scans properly, he’ll be able to charge you a $1.89 for three cents’ worth of iced tea. I guess when they called them convenience stores, I misunderstood whose convenience they were referring to.
Garbage day Today is garbage day. I really enjoy
68 BOUNDER MAGAZINE
standing at the front window and watching the garbage men take all that stuff away.
– Red Green
Bags that smell bad, boxes that were cluttering up the garage, things that outlived their usefulness, evidence of projects gone horribly wrong. They throw it all into the truck and drive it away to somewhere I will never go. It’s a great feeling. A clean slate. A fresh
start. The cleansing of garbage day. I wish I could do that with my brain.
Take all the useless information and self-destructive thoughts and unpleasant memories out to the end of the driveway and watch somebody throw them into a truck and drive them away. Man, that would feel good. Of course I can’t throw out any of the junk in my mind. But I do recycle.
Preparing for lift-off If you have somewhere to go and are
trying to decide what time you should leave to get there, you have to take a few things into consideration. For example, let’s say you need to be out
the door at noon. Here’s when you need to get ready: •
at 11:59. That allows you one minute to either comb your hair or find your hat. •
If you’re going with your son, start
getting ready at 11:30. That allows him time to get from his bed to the car. •
If you’re going with your daughter, start
getting ready at 9:30. That allows her time for three complete wardrobe changes and phone calls to friends who track her every move. •
If you’re going with your wife, start
getting ready at 7:30. That allows time for her to make the lists and do her hair and make-up, and time for you to come up with something for you to wear that passes inspection. •
If you’re going alone, start getting ready
If you’re going with your wife and your
son and your daughter, think seriously about handing them the car keys and faking an illness.
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