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what happened, over and over? If you have, then this is the third mistake to avoid. Obsessing over what he has done or not done will drive you crazy. The chances are you will have two stories – the first, how he was so amazing; the best person that ever lived. And the second – how he was the worst thing that ever happened to you. These stories are told over and over, like a tractor in a field you are ploughing your story deeper and deeper into your psyche, making you feel trapped and stuck.
Instead, heal both your conscious and unconscious stories. Challenge the meanings that you have given to your conscious one. We are meaning-making machines and give meaning to everything. It’s the meanings that we give to things, that either makes us feel good or bad.
4. Making assumptions about his motives
Repeatedly second-guessing why your ex has done something will have you take everything personally. Sometimes in life you will have to just accept that you may never know. Most of the time the reason why he did what he did has nothing to do with you. Instead, let go of the need to know and accept that he has behaved in a certain way because of his own limitations. The moment you stop struggling against something you have no control over, you will start to feel more at peace.
5. Using conflictive language Language used towards your ex and the language you communicate yourself with are the keys to letting go of the harsh reality you live in. Blaming in language such as “You are ALWAYS so….” or “He was ALWAYS so…” will make you feel worse and will keep fueling the anger.
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Instead, challenge what you are saying to and about your ex. And ask yourself “Is it really true?” You will start to see that your ex is NOT the behavior and an all-or-nothing person.
6. Wishing your life were different When you are stuck in the “what ifs” and the “if onlys” you will not be able to move on. You will be worrying about your future and regretting the past. All this does is keeps you in the pain of your own thoughts. The future has not happened yet and the past is already done so there is nothing you can do. Yo-yoing backwards and forwards will keep you out of the present. And when we are present we are at peace. Instead, practice the art of gratitude. What can you be grateful for right now? How did the past serve you to empower you? How can you make the future what you want for yourself? Yes, I want to stop wishing my life away!
7. Getting the wrong type of support I see a lot of my clients surround themselves with people and situations that only make them feel worse. If you want to move on, it’s important to surround yourself with people who will support you in a healthy way. Be mindful of who you do surround yourself with and make the conscious choice to be supported by others who are working on themselves and who can hold you accountable to you moving forward.
Marina Pearson is the author of Goodbye Mr Ex and the Founder of Divorceshift an organization that is known for nourishing women’s souls after tragedy, leaving them feeling freed and transformed.
WEBSITE:
www.DivorceShift.com
PHOTO: ED WALKER
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