www.divorcedparents.co.uk Sue Atkins It’s all about the children
It will take discipline and sacrifice, but your children need both of you after the separation
C
hildren can assess the temperature of our moods with alarming accuracy, no matter what their age. Often the child’s perception that ‘something is wrong’ is quite often more accurate than we realise ourselves. Retaining healthy relationships,
wherever possible, will help to reduce the stress in the family, and in particular when dealing with the ex. Regardless of the quality of your relationship with your former partner, you are now responsible for bringing up your child jointly, but separately. So grab a piece of paper and a
coffee and ask yourself: How do you work through key issues with your ex partner? What guidelines, do you both lay down and how consistent, are you both? Are you ever tempted to buy favour with your child? What are the messages they receive from you doing this? Children are very sensitive to our moods. If we can explain to our children why we’re feeling anxious it will help them to understand and they may not be so worried by our behaviour. For example, “I’m sorry, I’m
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a bit tense today as I’ve just had the phone bill in.” It’s much easier for a child to handle something specific, rather than to just see you in tears or in tantrums! Also, some children always assume it is their fault, and it’s good for your children to know that they are not the problem. How do you speak about your
ex in front of your child? What important message, are you sending to your child about their father or their mother? How do you think your child feels about hearing their parent criticised? Have you considered that your child might still miss their estranged mum or dad – regardless of how you feel?
All by myself It is easy to underestimate the complex tensions that accompany divorce - even a fairly amicable one. Your child may be angry and upset because one of his parents has left, but as you’re the only parent around for him to vent his feelings on he is likely to take it out on you. Your child may become sullen and awkward or loud and angry.
PHOTO: JOEL FUNK
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