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TEEN DRAMA QUEENS
Keeping the Mother-Daughter Bond Strong
by Meredith Montgomery F
or many, the strong mother- daughter bond seems to suddenly unravel when adoles- cence appears. “Par- enting is exasperating and wears you out,” sighs Heather Thomas, of Houston, Texas, a mother of three, including 16-year-old Mary Meghan.
Mothers can gain some comfort in the
“Actively engaging with my mom has enabled me to balance
my independence with a dependable bond, which helps me grow into my true self. Plus, it allows my mom to know the real me.”
~ Eliza Reynolds
biological reasons for the onset of emotionally charged arguments and repeated curfew violations. It begins with changes in the brain caused by an increase in the hormones that stimu- late girls’ ovaries, and by age 10 or 11, the hormones become elevated to lev- els comparable to those of postmeno- pausal women. Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of
Mother-Daughter Wisdom, points out that in addition to experiencing mood swings and temperature changes similar to those of menopausal women, girls’ rising estrogen, unbalanced by pro- gesterone, may likewise produce brain irritability. “It’s no wonder girls are both cuddling with and screaming at you
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in the same day,” she points out.
Nurse Prac-
titioner Sil Reynolds, who co-authored Mothering & Daugh- tering with her daugh- ter Eliza, gently re- minds mothers, “The mother-adolescent daughter relation- ship is asymmetrical. Mothers are responsi- ble for being the adult in the relationship as
their daughters grow up. Understand- ing this can be a relief to both of you.” Part of the responsibility of being an
adult is to provide a safe psychological and emotional environment for children without taking things personally. The frontal cortex responsible for making decisions is still developing in the ado- lescent brain. Weathering mood swings and reactive outbursts, mothers can learn to remain steady, understanding that teens are not capable of giving back equally because their minds have not yet fully matured. “That’s how teens learn to return to a calm place, by seeing our mom remain steady through our storms,” Eliza observes.
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Powerful Role Models Northrup believes that a daughter’s peers play a large role in her success- fully navigating the teen years, but emphasizes that, “A mother’s influence wins. Be consistent in your loving and clear about rules and boundaries, while encouraging a sense of their own worth and autonomy.” Teenagers are anxious to grow up
and do their own thing, but until they have internalized safe and reasonable boundaries, they need someone else to establish them. Northrup reports how teen clients that were given too much freedom… “come in aching for boundar- ies and feel that their parents don’t care about them. It is the parents’ job to create healthy, though not rigid, boundaries.” What has worked for Heather is to casually join Mary Meghan in her room with an intention to be present and actively listen to her. “I say something simple like, ‘I have missed you,’ and then allow her to open up to me with- out being critical or judgmental,” she explains. “Sometimes we listen to music or look at outfits in magazines together.” “Girls know when you’re paying
attention, and your tone and body lan- guage speak louder than words,” con- firms Eliza. She also notes that, “How was your day?” doesn’t work as well as the more specific, “How did your test go?” As with any relationship, there are occasional conflicts and misunderstand- ings, but there’s always potential for repair. Eliza and Sil encourage mothers and daughters to reconnect through the repair process; with heartfelt restoration, the bond grows stronger.
Helpful Activities Everyone benefits from regularly sched- uled quality time together. Sil advises, “For households with siblings, this can mean 10 one-on-one minutes a day for each kid. When both parents aren’t under the same roof, technology can help—face time is better than texting, whether it’s through a screen or not.” Some mother-daughter teams
enjoy taking dance classes together, having movie dates or pairing up as vol- unteers. At their weekend workshops, the Reynolds engage in projects and conversations about what it means to invite spirituality and a sense of sacred-
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