School Gate Education
Starting school. Not them. You!
Sarah Ebner, editor of The Times’ education blog, School Gate, advises on how to negotiate the fi rst day of adult playground politics
Starting school can be as torturous for parents as well as youngsters. Not only can it bring back painful memories of long-gone school days, but it can also open up a whole new set of social traps. In fact, when you fi nd yourself at the school gate as a new parent, already lacking confi dence, you may as well give up, cry and admit that you are entering a nest of vipers… Or so we are told. Stories of “school gate mafi as” and bitchy cliques grab headlines, but is it really that bad? Is it true that parents need a very thick skin? As the writer of a blog called School Gate, I am not so sure. T e school gate can be intimidating, but you are not the only one to think this. You may be surprised to know that pretty much everyone else starting out at the same time goes through a wobble – even those gorgeous, super-confi dent mums in their dark glasses. It’s not easy to walk into a party when you don’t know anyone; the school playground is much the same. OK, so you don’t know a soul, and it might seem like everyone else does, but that’s not actually the case. T e school playground will contain new mums and
not-so-new ones – those with children higher up the school. Of course, they will know and want to talk to each other, but they don’t mean to exclude you, and as time goes on, they will stop doing so. In the meantime, look around for the mums like you, those who are feeling uncertain and glad of a person to talk to. Last year, when my son started school, I found myself intimidated by the mums with younger babies, who seemed to have formed a clique and were always talking to one another. When I asked a mother about it, she told me that they found me and my friends pretty intimidating, too. Of course, this was not on purpose – we all knew each other, already, as we had elder children, higher up the school. However, it does make me wonder: are we are all intimidated by each other? Inevitably, people of a certain kind will bond.
So don’t be too hard on those mothers of four who uncannily seem to fi nd each other. Parents of one or
www.fi rstelevenmagazine.co.uk
two can feel like they are being looked down on by these super-fertile supermums, but in reality, they have probably fi gured out that others with larger broods will sympathise more with their hectic lives. It’s always easier to gel with each other if you have
more in common. So fi gure out your interests and look for others with the same ones, whether it’s the buggy brigade or the gym bunnies. And hopefully you’ll soon round up your own group of friends, too. Perhaps the best advice is to be yourself. Try to avoid any nasty gossip or tension and put the “school gate” into perspective. Ultimately it’s us, as parents, who should be setting an example for our children.
T e Starting School Survival Guide: Everything you Need to Know when your Child Starts School, by Sarah Ebner is published by White Ladder and is out on 1st June. (
www.thetimes.co.uk/schoolgate).
How to survive the school gate
Don’t gossip about other parents or children: at least until you know them well enough! Be open to new friends: smile, be ready to make small talk and try to involve others in your conversations and coff ee mornings. Try to include others and be helpful: remember, you will need these mothers when you can’t get
away to collect a child from school on time or your nanny lets you down. Give it time: you can’t expect a friendship to be fully formed within days or, even, a few weeks. Remember your child is going to be at school for years. Don’t worry too much about it all: don’t compete with other mums and don’t befriend everyone!
Summer 2011 FirstEleven 17
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PHOTOS: XOXOXOXOXO
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