Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all goin' pure brulliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rengs, the meenister, even ma stag neet". Archie nods approvingly. "I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smairt in that. Whit's the tartan?" "Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white !
Our next door neighbours have started taking separate skiing holidays. I think their relationship is going downhill fast.
2006 (06) Alfa Romeo Brera 2.4 SV 3dr, Diesel, Met Sil £10,991 2006 (06) Aston Martin Vantage coupe, met silver, FSH £38,691 2008 (08) Audi A3 1.6 special ed’ met sil 5 dr petl FSH 2007 (06) Audi A3 1.9 TDi special edition, Met Sil fsh 2005 (55) BMW 318i Manual, 4dr, met silver, fsh, petrol 2006 (06) BMW 335d M sport, coupe, Auto 2 dr, met blue 2009 (09) Ford Fiesta 1.4 Titanium, 3dr, Met Red, petrol
2006 (06) Ford Ka Manual, hatch, 3dr met black petrol, fsh £3,691 2007 (07) Mercedes Benz C180K Classic 5dr Met Sil, fsh £10,991 2009 (09) ML280 CDI Tip, Auto 5 dr Met Silver, Diesel 2007 (07) S320 CDi Automatic 4dr Met silver Diesel,
£9,991 £7,991 £7,991
£19,991 £8,991
£27,991 £24,991
2004 (54) Range Rover 3.0 Td6, Vogue SE, Auto Met Sil £17,991 2008 (08) Range Rover 3.6 TDV8 Vogue, Auto Met Grey, £33,991 2007 (07) Range Rover Sport 3.6 TDV8 HSE, Auto, Met Sil, £32,991 2002 (02) Skoda Octavia 1.8T El’ 4x4, 5dr, Met Grey 2006 (55) Volkswagen Golf 2.0 GT TDi, 5dr, Met Black,
£ 8,991 2007 (56) VW Phaeton 3.0 V6 TDi 4MOTION, 4dr, Met Sil £15,991 £3,491
12.
The policeman stops a motorist for speeding. “No I wasn’t !” says the man. “Yes you were.” Says the policeman. “ We measured your speed on radar.” “It must be faulty.” replies the motorist. At this stage his wife leans over and says to the Policeman. “It’s no good arguing with him, he’s always this stubborn when he’s been drinking.”
The Royal Wedding. Prince William, the future King of E n g l a n d , wi l l ma r r y h i s long-time girlfriend, Kate Middleton on April 29th. Cather ine El izabeth "Kate" Middleton, a former classmate of William's at the University of St. Andrews, would be England's first college-educated queen. The 28- year-old comes from a middle- class background, which marks her a "commoner," but royals have been allowed to marry outside of aristocratic circles for some time. For example, Prince Edward, William's uncle, married PR executive Sophie Rhys-Jones in 1999. The prince got down on one knee during an October Holiday to Kenya, and the royal heir — a qualified pilot — reportedly flew his future bride in a borrowed helicopter to a remote, "secluded lake on the slopes of Mount Kenya" to ask for her hand. The engagement ring is the same ring that Prince Charles gave Princess Diana back in 1981. Designed by jeweller Garrards, the much-copied ring is made of 18-carat white gold, and features an oval sapphire surrounded by 14 diamonds. Souvenir manufacturers are churning out commemorative mugs, plates, thimbles, coins, playing cards, and of course the flags and bunting to adorn the street parties, traditional at Royal Weddings. "Wills and Kate" will be married in Westminster Abbey on 29th April. The royal family has many links to the abbey — it was where William's grandmother was both married and crowned queen, and where his mother was laid to rest in 1997. The government has announced the day will be a public holiday so that citizens can watch the royal couple exchange vows. Who's invited ? The great and good of British society, of course, along with a "handful" of heads of states. The complete list of 1,900 invitees has not yet been made public, but some of the confirmed guests include Elton John and his partner David Furnish, a couple of hundred members of government, and the leaders of Australia, Canada, and New Zealand. David and Victoria Beckham are also said to be on the list. In keeping with William and Kate's wish to make the event a "people's wedding," they also invited the owner of a pub near Middleton's family home in Bucklebury, as well as the local butcher, mailman, and some local shop keepers. Who isn't invited ? Barack and Michelle Obama did not make the list, and neither did French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy and his wife, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, didn't get an invitation. Simon Cowell didn't make the cut either. "Mr Mean will have to learn to live with rejection." On the day, Miss Middleton will be driven to Westminster Abbey, past some of London's most famous sites — The Mall, the Horse Guards Parade, and the Houses of Parliament — in a private car. The Archbishop of Canterbury will marry the couple, who will ride from the Abbey to Buckingham Palace in a horse and carriage. They will then "enjoy a romantic kiss on the Buckingham Palace balcony" — just as William's parents did 30 years earlier. Prince Charles will host a “bit of a do,” private dinner, followed by dancing, at Buckingham Palace on the evening of the wedding. Beatles legend Sir Paul McCartney has reportedly been asked to provide music for the shindig. The ceremony alone will cost around £12 million , and is being paid for by both the royal family and Middleton's parents — who are reportedly contributing a "five-figure sum" towards the total. Security and policing for the event will cost another £20 million and is being funded by British taxpayers. Kate's wedding gown will likely be "something traditional, but with a modern twist," details are being kept a close secret until the wedding day. The Princess will be known as Princess Catherine, though her official title is still unknown. If, as seems likely, William is made a Duke upon his marriage, Middleton will be a Duchess. But if or when William eventually accedes to the throne, she will become Queen Catherine — the sixth in the history of the British monarchy. Kate has asked her sister, Miss Philippa Middleton, to be her Maid of Honour. Prince William has asked his brother, Prince Harry, to be his Best Man.
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