halfway there by terry ernest
How old
Are You
reAllY…
And wHo
CAres?
If you can remember DInah Shore be-
fore She moleSteD burt reynolDS you
may be half way there.
Sociologists call the current genre the age of narcis-
sism citing numerous statistics about youthful predi-
lection to self-serving behaviors, plastic surgery and feedback?
halfwaythere@ragemonthly.com
the like, and of course a morbid fear of aging. those
crafty sociologists love to create labels. this moniker
of narcissism is mostly a learned behavior, trendy
and whatever the current term for yuppie might be. I’ve been to so many 39th birthday parties… okay I’ve had so many 39th birthday
you know… my neighbor got a nose job so I must have one too. for those few parties that people don’t even ask anymore. Some say it’s a sign of the times that
who are truly inflicted with body image disorders, they might try what we did a youthful appearance can send one’s chronological age to the proverbial back
back in the 1960s; hang out with really ugly people. Perhaps that explains all the seat. and while I admit that today, there is a greater emphasis on six pack abs and
handsome men with ugly wives, gay or straight. many people think it’s so cute a 28 inch waist; I don’t find guys, young or old, any more likely to admit their real
when children hold up three fingers and say things like, ‘I’m almost five.’’ It may ages than guys did 40 years ago. Psychologists say that people lie about their
seem innocent enough but don’t underestimate kids. It’s really a clever way of age because they are ashamed of how they have taken care of themselves when
reminding grown-ups that they should be birthday-present shopping right now. compared to their peers. tell that to the gym rats I know who spend hours a week
come to think of it, I have some adult friends who do the same thing when their engineering youthful, beautiful bodies and who would rather have their tongues
birthdays roll around. Sadly there aren’t enough fingers in the neighborhood. nailed to the kitchen table than honestly confess their years. I think we learn to
for as far back as I can remember people have reasonably tempered their conceal our ages from our mothers who have for centuries denied their chronol-
narcissistic behaviors based on available outcomes. If botox had been around in ogy by perpetuating that curious dogma… it is impolite to ask a woman her age.
the 1960s there would have been no shortage of customers. I remember an uncle the last time I turned 39 I was told not to worry, 60 is the new 50… okay I can live
of mine who was an entertainer. he had been unashamedly slicking back his eye- with that, and 50 is the new 40… I can live with that too. but let’s be real; we have to
brows with Preparation h for years. he discovered that night after night of smok- draw a line there somewhere. I mean if 20 is the new 10 then we’re in big trouble;
ing and drinking turned the bags under his eyes into steamer trunks and a little although that may explain why today’s high school graduates are so articulate
face tightening with that miracle cure was just the thing to turn back the clock. and functional in society. I wonder what my great aunt leticia would have said
between the hair dye and the ass cream we never knew how old he really was but when told that 92 is the new 82. I can almost hear her crusty words, “oh crap, do I
somehow that didn’t matter; he was a great guy and old enough. at least that‘s have to live the last ten years over again?” finally, after all the years of lying about
what he said when anyone asked. my great aunt leticia on the other hand was my age, to myself and to my friends, I am comfortable with the old adage, honesty
quite the opposite. She would proudly tell you she was 92, but instead of holding is the best policy. So now when I am asked how old I am I simply say, “none of your
up birthday fingers she’d be brushing cookie crumbs from her moustache. damn business,” and that’s the truth.
clearly not everyone suffers from delusions of age and body image. while there
is no shortage of people willing to confess their true age without subterfuge If you can remember hearing Phyllis Diller say,”I’m not really wrinkled, I just had
there are probably more who would sooner vote George bush in for a third term. a nap on a chenille spread,”you’re probably halfway there too.
26 RAGE monthly | July 2009
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