living positive by paul montero
You Dropped a BOMB on Me, Baby!
Just when you thought the worst that can happen?
it was safe to get back in That’s the problem, we
the dating pool…Surprise! often don’t know. For some
You’ve got to come out of the of us, this is a very new thing
closet first! What’s that? But I to deal with—not only be-
always figured that when you cause we’ve seroconverted
asked another guy out, it was recently, but because we
basically understood that now have to consider
both parties were gay! Well the health, attitude and
unfortunately, that’s not the borderline-irrational fears
only closet that we as poz men of someone else. But think
have to worry about. I think about it, could it really be as
you know to which one I’m bad as those summers long
referring. ago, back when we were
That’s right. In addition kids visiting the community
to everything else HIV has pool? Just as we were get-
thrown at us, it seems we’re ting ready to jump in that
also expected to bear every- jumble of wet summer fun,
one else’s skewed perception there came along some
of what being poz is all about. crazy moral referee saying,
We’re the ones who have it, “You’re dirty! You’re going
and still we have to face scru- to get us all sick! You have
tiny from people whose only to take a shower in front of
credential on the topic is often everyone before we’ll let
nothing more than hearsay! you swim here!”
Granted, it is our obliga-
“There have been many nights where I walk
It’s true, sometimes
tion to let our dates know of people shoot looks at us
our status sometime before
away from a date thinking, ‘Wait a minute…
that make us feel filthy and
the relationship becomes explosively contagious.
serious—or sexual. But a com-
this is happening to ME, not them!’”
But take a look back at
mon attitude among today’s those people. They’re the
men is, “Let us know before ones who have probably
you snag us in with any kind
fEEdback?
livingpositive@ragemonthly.com
pre-formed opinions about
of emotional attachment!” everyone who has walked
Believe me, I’ve tried to “spare” within their lines of sight—
these guys any inconvenience the ones whose natural
by laying it all out on the table at the start. Subsequently, I often feel as though impulse it is to spew out mindless utterances like, “Ugh, look at her!” Do you re-
I’ll never find anyone who can handle hearing it. And as much as I try to deliver ally think you’d find yourself taking that next social step in a relationship with a
the news gently, somehow I still feel as if I should be comforting them. There have judgmental slab like that? Probably not.
been many nights where I walk away from a date thinking, “Wait a minute…this The kind of person who you’d court would ideally have a more endearing set
is happening to ME, not them!” Of course by then my date has disappeared to the of characteristics. Otherwise, why would you still be dating them to the point of
“island of lost men,” from where telephone calls are never again made. “the serious talk?” Have faith, not just in the person with whom you’ve invested
Asking people for advice about when the “right time” to tell a partner you’re this emotion, but in your own choices. You’re telling him the truth because you
poz can be even more discouraging. It’s like asking them whether or not to get a want things to move forward, not to drive him away. There is no better time to
tattoo. What’s the point? Every single person will have a wildly different take on it. let him know than the time you’ve already chosen in your head. It’s one of the
You’re the one who will have to deal with the permanence of it. All anyone else can most effective filters one can have to reveal what kind of person we’re actually
do is offer a version of what they would like to be told. Besides, when we ask for dating, so trust it. Even if you don’t get the response you’d like, at least you’ll have
help regarding things like this, chances are we’ve already made up our minds on a better idea what you’re looking for in a swimming partner. In the dating pool of
what to say and when to say it—and we’re simply fishing for the approval of those life, you’ll often have to be your own lifeguard, but that’s no reason we can’t live it
close to us. Why not cut to the chase and grant ourselves that approval? What’s up, California!
24 RAGE monthly | July 2009
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