CRUISING by david vera
If these seats could talk, would they be able to muster the nerve to disclose
the sins you’ve committed on them? Oh, relax. Anybody who’s ever looked
in the rear-view mirror and smiled at the sheer backseat possibility has at least
visualized his own daydream of vehicular man-slather. Unfortunately, giving in
to the excitement means forgetting about the fact that you’ll be spending half
the following week cleaning up the incriminating varnish that somebody left on
your car’s interior. Even armed with sheer determination and some elbow grease,
there’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to successfully “de-grease” your precious
upholstery. So! How do we spare ourselves the shame of having to explain the
stains and smells of a less-than-fresh instance of auto-hygiene? Stop treating
your car like a brothel! But if that’s too high a price to pay for a pristine conveyance,
here are a few sly tricks to erase any evidence that might indicate you’ve gotten
sly with a trick!
Romancing the Nose
Behold the power of cologne, baking soda and antiseptic wipes! Catching a nice
whiff of Acqua di Gió might be a pleasant surprise for your hot date as he enters
your car, but be careful not to get carried away with the designer in a bottle. You
really only want to give your passenger the slightest hint of a memorable aroma,
not respiratory inflammation.
For more severe cases of auto-odor, masking an existing smell won’t suffice.
Baking soda (or anything containing active carbon) almost magically absorbs foul
air like an industrial vacuum…though a quick run with the old Hoover wouldn’t
kill you. Sex-a-la-car isn’t the only sin with crusty consequences. Whether it’s
growing a green fur coat in the back of the fridge or caked onto a secluded surface
in your car, old food gives off odor just the same. Every time we underestimate
food’s ability to produce crumbs that fall into the many crevices of our rolling dust
trap, our meals on wheels quickly become yet another contributing instrument
in the symphony of stench that culminates month after putrid month. Resist the
temptation to stuff your face with anything else while you’re inside.
However, the damage is likely already done. Fortunately, there’s been an explo-
sion of handy antimicrobial wipes developed by numerous brands to accommo-
date vile car environments like yours! My personal favorites are Lysol (for its clean
scent) and ArmorAll (for its stain-erasing utility). The best part: the moisture-lock
lid ensures that you’ll have months of quick clean-up power. Just try not to hyper-
ventilate when you see the muck that comes off your steering wheel.
Owner of
No More Junk in Your Trunk
While we’re on the topic of cleanliness, let’s visit the neighboring subject of
clutter. When a growing pile of disorder starts encumbering a backseat’s ability a Grody Car
to serve as, well…a seat, we’ll naturally snap into the throes of a Feng Shui at-
tack. Our first misguided instinct is to toss the whole mass of confusion into the
trunk—where chaos usually goes to die. Sadly, most cars don’t come standard
with a quantum singularity that sucks up unwanted jumble into oblivion. The padding—useful for longer hauls on the road. But the most valuable function of
mess simply sits there and waits for the day when we gather the courage to con- these by far is their interchangeability. Even the harshest chemicals can’t keep
front, sort, dispose and—ideally—disinfect. So why not do it all now? It’s a better your bare seats looking untainted and new like an extra layer of armor can! Not
idea than to put it off until the fumes cause your passengers to retch. only will covers catch debris and liquids of questionable types, they’re also a lot
Granted, trunk space was designed to hold things that the cabin can’t contain. easier to remove, wash and replace. Try yanking out your car seat and throwing it
Chances are, half of the things rolling around back there were left by you because in the washer! …Actually, don’t.
they held some importance. You’ll eventually have to pull them out again, so keep The modern car wash got the idea. Keeping a car’s interior clean is just as
out anything that will get in the way of finding your goods quickly and easily. important (if not more) than keeping the outside shiny. Unless you’ve got some
extreme exhibitionist tendencies, you probably spend more time on the inside of
Use Protection…For Your Seats your car than you do on top of your hood. So make that environment as pleasant
Seat covers are no longer the embarrassingly goofy inventions that the for you—and for your passengers—as possible. And if you must desecrate the
‘90s threw at us. Many of today’s designs offer rather cool looking textures and sanctity of your transpor-temple, please watch where you point that thing.
70 RAGE monthly | MAY 2009
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