June
I’m on the fence regarding the updating of a beloved childhood show, Land of the Lost, and there is a splinter factor involved. Yes,
the new film’s effects are far removed from the cheesy TV show ones – but the latter was like Velveeta for the soul, strangely warm
and comforting. Marshall, Will and Holly’s big screen routine expedition is now led by Will Ferrell, and at first I was disheartened that
co-stars Anna Friel and Danny McBride weren’t to be his screen family.
But then I thought about it…uh oh!
On the TV show, if the Marshall kids (played by the incomparable Wesley Eure and Kathy Coleman) never got rescued – that show
could have gotten all Flowers in the Attic. As it was, Eure’s Will seemed more apt to lure monkey-like Cha-Ka into the bushes under false
pretenses. So, that’s the roundabout explanation for that predicament being avoided…but what about the “gangle”?
One way to give the film a homo-field advantage would be casting Chaka Khan as everyone’s favorite Pakuni “fah-rend.”
With a slight nip/tuck Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen could prove popular among ’80s primetime soap opera and “Bionic
Woman” fans. But only if the sub-titular Fallen were a group of Fembots comprised of “career-challenged” plastic surgery fanatics:
Linda Evans, Joan Van Ark and Priscilla Presley. The only downside to that is plastic melts; so if the trio got into a literal heated battle,
they wouldn’t be in the third installment. I’ll wager a bet that ol’ air bag lips, Lisa Rinna, would happily step in for any of them.
July
Talk about a wet dream cast! Public Enemies stars Johnny Depp,
Christian Bale and Channing Tatum in a thriller about the 1930’s
crime waves that gave birth to the FBI. What a waste of a handsome
cast, unless…it became the re-telling of how Fleet enemas came
into existence, and the group of good-looking gents enlisted to be
guinea pigs for the product! Gee…what could the film be called?
Why, Public Enemas has a nice ring to it.
On second thought…some things are better left private than
made Public.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was slated for cinemas last
November, but is getting the full release treatment this summer.
The most obvious route to take here is to explore Dumbledore’s
homosexuality, and that could show younger gay kids that it’s
okay to want to whip out their wands, so to speak.
I only say this because the films are getting a darker edge to
them – get your minds out of the gutter! Did you see mine while
you were there?
August
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra had the chance to make the former doll, I mean, action figure into “the gayest American
hero” by tackling the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.
Another covert mission the “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity” might have explored is the effect of being
shrunk from 12 to three inches would have on a man.
Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!
See? The four months that constitute boffo box office could have been very May gay through the doggie-style days
of August, with just a dash of fabulosity added to their formulaic recipe. Sigh! Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s
fit to print.
MAY 2009 | RAGE monthly 33
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