horoscopes by vera divine
most vulnerable components. Fortunately for you,
AQUARIUS January 21 – February 19
it’s easier to treat than a broken hip. Finding release
It may just be the gin talking, but I feel a makeover com-
in this age of electronic distraction should be easy
ing! Aww, what’s wrong? Not in the mood? Saint Valentine
enough for you crazy kids and your damn rock ‘n roll.
is on his way and that faux-hawk of yours is screaming to
Of course, malnourishment isn’t quite the quick fix.
be put back out of style! February is your month for hon-
Sorry, Nicole Richie.
est attempts toward change. I don’t just mean outward
adjustments; I’m talking about those that haunt you on the
LIBRA September 24 – October 23
inside. Strengthen your social connections by examining
Waste not, want not! Especially when it’s playful
their effects on you. If you feel bogged down by a parasitic
energy you’re expending. An innocent visit to the
relationship, tear it off like a Bioré pore strip. That may sound
local adult novelty shop could animate some lively
harsh, but toward the third week, you’ll see the benefits of
spirits in you! A spur-of-the-moment outing to a
a blockage-free life—and face! Aquarian Paris Hilton sure
karaoke bar could get the juices flowing! All of these
isn’t afraid to replace old connections with pretty new ones.
are more than appropriate ways of getting into the
Even if it sparks tabloid rumors about her “scandalesbian”
Valentine mood! Your charm is peaking so a romantic
antics! Katy Perry, eat your heart out.
encounter could be on the table. Just be mindful of
your words! Too cocky a demeanor might make you
sound like Simon Cowell, only nicer!
PISCES February 20 – March 20 the clouds! Events early on in the month will call SCORPIO October 24 – November 22
Taking time out of your busy pants-dropping your attention back down to Earth to address a de- Are you not finding the same gratification you once
schedule to reflect upon private matters would be a ficiency in communications that hits close to home. had with your favorite pastimes? It’s entirely possible
good idea now. Week two will bring a few surprises Rupert Everett may be dreamy, but he’s level-headed that you’ve squeezed all the fun right out of them!
that you’ll be better prepared for if you start arranging enough to know when to bring it all back home. Now Not to worry, my eight-legged love. There are amaz-
your thoughts soon. Health will be a recurring topic of if only his home included me somehow! ing ways you can kick-start your fascination in things
discussion, but don’t be alarmed. It’s nothing that a you usually take for granted. Picture your workplace
loose dance in tight jeans won’t shake off! Just look CANCER June 22 – July 23 as the inspiration behind a hilarious new sitcom, or
at your fellow Pisces, Rob Lowe. It’s hard to tell which Are you ready for another uneventful flood of visualize your computer screen as a glowing canvas
end is prettier whenever he rocks skintight denim! empty paper hearts and romance-themed fluff? ready to be slathered with color. Calvin Klein had to
Think again! While you roll your eyes and yawn at the think this way. How else do you think he got us all
ARIES March 21 – April 20 promise of love, all the other boys are frantically work- wearing the same black CK t-shirt back in 1997?
Oh, Aries. Always trying to ram it in when you ing toward being coupled in time for the big V.D.!
know it won’t fit…Of course I’m talking about the (That’s Valentine’s Day, for all you sickos out there). SAGITTARIUS November 23 – December 22
flurry of commitments that you’re forcing into your Your nonchalant attitude will be a refreshing sight to You can’t manage to sit still this month, can you
already-crammed agenda! If you don’t take a mo- those looking for some February fun, but you’d bet- Sagittarius? And it’s not the cushion on your chair or
ment to breathe and relax, I’m going to have to turn ter drop the jaded act by the time your eager Prince that new oscillating toy with the beads on the inside.
the hose on you! Before your next venture, take a hint Charming catches sight of you! Speaking of a royal It’s all you! There is no one better than you to get the
from the angelic Aries, Reese Witherspoon…and re- feast, can you imagine what Prince William of Wales job done. But once it is done you self sabotage by
ally stop to think before you agree to another Legally is holding back after weeks of hard “military training?” creating more work instead of getting any rest! Well
Blonde sequel! that’s going to stop now! Your assignment for the first
LEO July 24 – August 23 week of the month is to sit back and relax. Your fellow
TAURUS April 21 – May 21 You little showoff! That’s what we love about you. Sagitterror Tyra Banks is always on TV, so put in some
Are you chained to your desk? Is your boss con- But it’s best to give the stage to others for the time quality time at her judge’s table!
stantly breathing down your neck? Are you forced being. Take this time out of the local limelight to adjust
into menial labor under a virtual slave driver? If so, your image with those close to you. Maybe your work- CAPRICORN December 23 – January 20
give me your card! I’ve always wanted to be a domi- mates would like to see another side of that mane? It Ah, there you are, buying and hoarding things that
natrix! But seriously, don’t you think it’s time that might seem as though your fellow Leo Matt LeBlanc have a longer shelf life so you can be prepared for a
your inner passion and labor served your purposes will always be “Joey” no matter what he does. But don’t rainy day. Tell me something, Capricorn. When was the
for a change? Your true calling is around the corner underestimate a guy who was once only known as last rainy day you remember? And why does all of your
and it’s waiting to earn you a living. You think Renee “that guy in the 1991 Alanis Morissette video.” “just in case” stuff always end up “just collecting dust?”
Zellweger planned on waiting tables forever? Two words: yard sale. I know what you’re thinking. “But
VIRGO August 24 – September 23 I’ll be selling my memories!” Listen to me. The best
GEMINI May 22 – June 21 Aches and pains, creaks and cramps. Whoever thing about memories is making them! Rummaging
You say you ache to gain more from life than what said that life begins at 50 must have had a few extra through nostalgic dust piles years later only reminds
you get from everyday mundane activities and you cans of WD-40 on hand. If you’ve noticed that certain us that we wasted away our youths wearing blue eye
want to broaden your path into unexplored territory. things don’t seem to be working right—particularly shadow! Now…a younger Denzel Washington, on
There’s only one thing I have to say about that: You in the bedroom—don’t jump the gun and blame it the other hand, is a Capricorn who I have no problem
go, girl! Just be careful not to let your head surpass on your age! Stress can play cruel, cruel jokes on our remembering fondly.
96 RAGE monthly | FEBRUARY 2009
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