OFF TRACK | SPOKESMAN SPOKES Rules are rules
Never ride with Hasidic Handlebars and never buy online. Those are two rules from the Velominati blog. Carlton Reid asks, which will be the one your customers adhere to?
HASIDIC HANDLEBARS? “Handlebars with loose, loopy bits of handlebar tape,” says
velominati.com, a blog for hardcore road bike riders. Think of the Profanisaurus dictionary of swear words from Viz, but for bikes. As well as a funny lexicon of road bike speak, the
Velominati blog has a list of 89 rules, first codified in 2009. It's a set of rules that went viral back in the day and crops up on Twitter and in forums on a regular basis. “We are the Keepers of the Cog,” say the four international writers of the blog, published from America. “We maintain the sacred text wherein lie the simple
truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in our trust to maintain and endorse this list.” Rule number 77 is green and tidy: “Respect the earth;
don’t litter. Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road, or in the bush. Stuff 'em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.” Rule number seven details sun exposure: “Tan lines should
be cultivated and kept razor sharp. Under no circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no circumstances to be employed.” The N+1 rule is now a standard ploy well away from
the blog and it's music to the ears of shop owners. “While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is N+1, where N is the number of bikes currently owned.” However, this rule has a counterpoint: “This equation
may also be re-written as S-1, where S is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from a partner.” “Cycling caps are for cycling,” prescribes rule number 22, a dictat to make every hipster shudder.
“Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but never
when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will render one a douche, and should result in public berating, or beating. The only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged in cycling.” It takes until rule 58 before 'Support your local shop' is
wheeled out. Should come earlier, but hey, it's not my list. Rule 58 states: “Never buy bikes, parts or accessories
online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. Online is evil and will be the death of the bike shop. If you enter a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty help.” Of all the 89 rules this is probably the one most
flouted. 'Never buy bikes, parts or accessories online'? That's ironic, right? Bike shops could add some sarky rules to the list – such as not asking for club discounts and the like – but expecting roadies to always pay full retail in- store is fantasy land. And the internet has only accelerated the trend, it didn't start it. Roadies were into their mail order bargains sourced from dismally-designed print ads in the comic long before Tim Berners-Lee linked up a few computers (TBL created the internet). So, while rule number 58 may be, sadly, long past its
prime, maybe you could set it in a fancy font, blow it up, print it out, and place it somewhere in your shop, either for a giggle when days are dark, or as a 'hold me back before I thump him' poster for when yet another numptie comes in expecting you to extricate them, for free, from their 'just needs a little tweak' internet purchase.
EDITORIAL: 01992 535646 | ADVERTISING: 01992 535647 | FAX: 01992 535648
Executive Editor: Carlton Reid
Carlton.Reid@
intentmedia.co.uk
Editor: Jonathon Harker
Jonathon.Harker@intentmedia.co.uk
Deputy Editor: Mark Sutton
Mark.Sutton@
intentmedia.co.uk
Advertising Manager: Carly Bailey
Carly.Bailey@
intentmedia.co.uk
Production Executive: Kelly Jones
Kelly.Jones@
intentmedia.co.uk
Design: Dan Bennett
Dan.Bennett@
intentmedia.co.uk
Managing Editor: Lisa Carter
Lisa.Carter@
intentmedia.co.uk
Publisher/MD: Stuart Dinsey
Stuart.Dinsey@intentmedia.co.uk
Marketing & Circulation: Lindsay Banham
Lindsay.Banham@
intentmedia.co.uk
Finance Director: Hilary Cole LATEST NEWS STRAIGHT TO YOUR MOBILE | BOOKMARK US:
MOBILE.BIKEBIZ.COM 86 BIKEBIZ JANUARY
Editorial Saxon House, 6A, St. Andrew Street, Hertford, Hertfordshire. SG14 1JA
BikeBiz is mailed FOC to 4,000+ trade addresses every month ISSN 1476-1505
SUBSCRIPTIONS UK: £50 Europe: £60 Rest of World: £90
BikeBiz is published 12 times a year by Intent Media – Saxon House, 6a St. Andrew Street, Hertford, Hertfordshire SG14 1JA
Intent Media Subscriptions Department PO Box 35, Robertsbridge, TN32 5WN Tel: 01580 883848, Fax: 01580 883849
If you or one of your colleagues would like to request a subscription to BikeBiz, please email
bike.subscriptions@
c-cms.com or call 01580 883848. Please note that this is a controlled circulation title and subscription criteria will be strictly adhered to.
Intent Media is a member of the Audit Bureau of Circulation and the Periodical
Publishers Association
© Intent Media 2012 No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form or by any means without prior permission of the copyright owners. Printed by The Manson Group, AL3 6PZ.
short and
Wondering what the Twitterati have been up to this month? Look no further...
Singletrack Magazine is now all officially going to the pub to
celebrate the arrival of 'proper grim, northern winter'. Yay!
@Chipps
Apple shop sucks. Been waiting ages to get served and I even
have a stupid "genius" appointment. Got stuff to do!
@CrucialScott
Stupidly sprayed myself with a tester perfume, which was
delivered with my new bronzer. I now smell like an old woman.
@Laurenvdp
Very cool cutting edge s-light materials and high torque
motors at this event. Brompton potential?
@Will_brompton
Found out about a survey that 'proves' swearing relieves
pain. So that's my excuse sorted after 30 years.
@Willfoth TWEET
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81 |
Page 82 |
Page 83 |
Page 84 |
Page 85 |
Page 86 |
Page 87 |
Page 88