E26
KLMNO By Mike Shenk • Edited by Peter Gordon •
www.fireballcrosswords.com The Post Puzzler No. 23
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2010
NICK GALIFIANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST
News about pregnancy might upset her friend
Dear Carolyn: My best friend got married three
years ago and has been talking nonstop from before the wedding about having kids. She laid out an elaborate timeline for when they would get pregnant, when they would have their second, etc. She even was talking often about their early attempts at conceiving. This talk tapered off about six months ago, and as she is not pregnant now, I would guess they are struggling to conceive.
Meanwhile, I recently got married. My husband and I have talked about having children for years, but only to each other. I am now pregnant. This should be exciting news to share with a friend I’ve shared so many great moments with in the past. But for some reason this one feels like an insult to her, and I’m worried she will be upset. She said to us once that she “couldn’t handle” if I got pregnant before her, although it was said lightly and interpreted at the time to be in jest. How should I announce this news to my friend?
CO Tell her straight, and tell her soon. “I
have some great news” — because it is great news — “I’m pregnant.” You may think she’s not happy for you — and she may actually think she resents that you’re pregnant. The moment after you tell her, both will likely be true.
But please predispose yourself toward forgiveness for this, because her dismay won’t be because you’re announcing a pregnancy, and not even because you conceived before she did. She’ll be upset because she’s struggling to conceive. This might read like a “duh,” but I
think it’s important to spell it out when two friends are at risk of mismatching various causes and effects. The thing that will upset her is already in progress and has nothing to do with your news. Granted, because she has hung so much of her identity on
CAROLYN HAX
motherhood-to-be, she is likely to feel humiliated — even though, no matter how many cultures over how many ages have tried to make it so, pregnancy is not a personal accomplishment. Biology has the last word. And while she had full say in her decision to prattle on about her family plans, she’s three years into a sentence for hubris that already verges on cruel and unusual punishment. No need for anyone to pile on. Ideally, your best friend will have the presence of mind to be your best friend: to express happiness for you, and save her own frustration for later — even if “later” is your honest and compassionate conversation two minutes after your announcement. If her angels lose that battle, though, please maintain some perspective as well as forgiveness. This whole exchange will just be a snapshot in two long, complex, changeable lives. She could become pregnant tomorrow, just as, it’s painful to say, you could become not pregnant. And that’s only the most immediate of countless plot twists that might be in store for you both. Your friend naively boxed herself into
a rigid, prefabricated version of her married life. It will take courage and strength for her, and for you, to avoid repeating that mistake with your friendship.
Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or
tellme@washpost.com.
ONLINE DISCUSSION Carolyn Hax’s weekly Web chat is at noon Fridays
at
www.washingtonpost.com/discussions.
are locked in a twisted tango ASK AMY
Boyfriend and his ex
Dear Amy: I am dating a man (“Larry”) who had
an affair with a woman a number of years ago.
The problem is that every time he begins dating again, this ex-lover starts going all psycho and harassing him with texts, phone calls and unannounced visits. She destroys his new relationships. She is now trying to do the same thing with us. Larry says she’s too unstable to break off all contact with her (she threatened to commit suicide a few weeks ago), and he gives her mixed signals by always answering her calls and texts, to the point of disrupting our time together. He has asked me not to confront her, even though I would like to.
This has been going on nonstop for
two months. What should I do? Furious in D.C.
In human behavior, any established
pattern will continue until someone chooses to act differently. In “Larry’s” case, his ex has laid the groundwork for destroying his romantic relationships. She is playing her part. Larry responds by tacitly encouraging (or at least not discouraging) her behavior. When Larry decides he has had enough, he will do things differently. He will ignore her many points of contact or call the police, for instance, if she menaces him at his home. According to you, he does nothing to change this pattern, and you don’t report that he has even asked her to stop. These two will do their dance until you’ve had enough and end your relationship.
Because he has not attempted to do things differently, I suggest you exit from this drama, sooner rather than later.
Dear Amy: I am responding to letters in your column about the request for “no gifts, please.” I find that no matter what the request is, most people feel obligated or want to bring a gift to an event, so I assign a gift! For my mother’s 80th birthday party I
said to guests that if they wanted to bring a gift, to please bring a card and one flower. We had many vases of beautiful flowers! For my husband’s belated 60th
birthday party, I assigned guests to bring a card and a stick. Once again we filled the vases with sticks. The room also had tree branches and all kinds of lengths of wood. What fun that was! We will be burning them this winter. Once again all were happy.
Hostess in Colorado
I agree with you that some people cannot cope with the “no gift” request. I love your idea, though I’m a little lost over the concept of the stick gift —but that’s because I have never brought kindling to a party before. Other hosts fill this need by requesting a card and a can of food for the local food bank.
Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune. com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
© 2010 by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services
Aries (March 21-April 19) You always feel better throughout the
day when you can get some exercise in. When you feel yourself getting a touch moody, a brisk walk around the block for 10 minutes is all it takes to lift your spirits.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You feel like a student waiting for the bell to ring. Even though there is something wonderful waiting for you on the other side of the alarm, there are better things to do than watch the second hand go around.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) It’s not enough for you to be occasionally creative. To stay healthy, happy and generally effective, you must use your strengths and talents every single day, including and especially this one.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) You are not exactly on the same mission as your kindred spirit, but you have enough in common to understand and support each other. It will not be a huge effort for you to encourage each other’s growth.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Puttering around is part of your
creative process. So don’t fret if it takes
TODAY’S HOROSCOPE Holiday Mathis
you a few hours of wandering from room to room to get comfortable. This is just what you do before you finally settle into the work of the day.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The concept of tutoring will apply
even for those who are not in school. You can get extra help for whatever it is you don’t understand. Sure, you have to pay for it, but it’s well worth the expense.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Your loved ones look up to you, which
is why they may try to present themselves in a light that is not entirely true. They want you to see them as they think they should be, not as they actually are.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) There is a discrepancy between what you are asked to do and what you want to do. This could cause inaction, which is not always negative. Sometimes the best thing to do is wait things out — let the tension dissipate.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) There is something fascinating about
today’s task, but it won’t be readily apparent. You’ll have to dig deep. Identify what is keeping you from wanting to know more. Once you get engaged in your work, it’s a pleasure.
CUL DE SAC Richard Thompson
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Your loved ones may not be very
forthcoming with compliments and praise, but it doesn’t mean they don’t like what you’re doing. You’ve set the bar very high lately, and they have come to expect you to be great.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You are far more interesting, knowledgeable and wise for making bold choices, right or wrong. In time, you will laugh at your mistakes. But for now, you are busy fixing them and learning from them, too.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You are patient with those who know less than you do about a subject. But your patience will wear thin if you discover that the ignorance comes with stubbornness, pride and an unwillingness to learn.
TODAY’S BIRTHDAY | SEPT. 12: You will get results this year — not always the results you want and expect, but results you can build on for ultimate success. A change of pattern over the next 10 weeks leads to improved fitness and health. November brings access into a new social arena. There’s a professional boost in February. Cancer and Libra people adore you. © 2010, Creators Syndicate
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