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KLMNO By Frank Longo • Edited by Peter Gordon • www.fireballcrosswords.com The Post Puzzler No. 11


SUNDAY, JUNE 20, 2010


NICK GALIFIANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST


Daughter’s risky choice need not divide family


Dear Carolyn: We have an unmarried 30-year-old daughter who is involved with an unmarried 30-year-old father of two children, ages 3 and 4 months. He and his ex decided to call it quits during her second pregnancy after going to therapy. Simultaneously our daughter started a long-distance relationship (going on a year) over the phone with him.


They work in the same industry and


now she will be relocating and moving in with him. We will be meeting him for the first time in a couple of weeks. We are trying to wrap our minds around this and lower our high expectations. My parents will not be part of her life over moral beliefs and also their high expectations for their smart, social, beautiful granddaughter. It has torn our family apart. Any advice?


Disappointed mother


Your parents have made their choice, it seems; they believe that embracing a social order without blurry lines is more important than embracing an actual human being who blurs those lines. That is their right. Your daughter has clearly made her choice — she thinks the man justifies the means by which they came together.


I think it would help you to realize


you’ve made your choice, too: not to agree with either your parents or your daughter, but instead to try to keep loving all of them. Arguably it’s the toughest choice of all, because at first glance it appears to leave you without the comfort of absolutes — or even confidence in your choice, for that matter. Your parents have their righteousness, your daughter has her love and her optimism. You’ve got disappointment, dread, doubts. At first glance, that is. If you look


closely, though, you’ll see that you have solid things to grab onto. An open mind, for example, allows for optimism where righteousness doesn’t allow it. You do know this man made some bad calls in his recent past,


CAROLYN HAX


but you can’t rule out that he’s maturing fast or that he did his best all along. You don’t know anything about the ex, or how much responsibility she bears for this unfortunate mess. Faith in your daughter, too, can be grounding — faith that you raised her well, faith that her judgment is good, faith that she’ll recover if her judgment is off on this one. It’s also fair to call inclusion a bedrock belief. Your daughter is human; this man is human; the ex is human; and, of course, what’s done is done. Certainly, you also can’t rule out that


there’s no foundation whatsoever for positive spin. And when you finally get to know him beyond his complicated emotional résumé, it’s possible you’ll have such an overwhelming negative reaction that you can’t in good conscience welcome him into your life. It happens.


But unless and until that does happen, you can define decency as choosing to play a supporting but significant role in making sure the family-busting stops here. You can decide to embrace this man and his children for no more complicated a reason than that your daughter loves them. You can decide that even if the way they got together is wrong, their arrival in your lives as a couple presents you with more than one way to be right.


Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@ washpost.com.


at www.washingtonpost.com/discussions. ASK AMY


Is this a wedding or a shakedown?


Dear Amy: I am wondering about proper


gift-giving etiquette when it comes to a combined engagement party/wedding reception that is being held nearly a year before the actual wedding. This is in celebration of one of my husband’s co-workers and her fiance. The couple has a rocky on-again-off-again relationship. They are notoriously irresponsible with their finances. The wedding will be a destination wedding a year away. But on the invitation we received, they are requesting their wedding gifts now! They are registered to a bank account. Does this sound fishy? There was no indication on the


invitation that the bank account was linked to a separate wedding fund or anything. I say, give nothing until the deal has been sealed, especially given their relationship history and the fact that the party is a backyard barbecue. My husband says, give half the amount of the wedding gift now and the other half next year after they are


officially married. What is your opinion? Wondering


You can’t possibly apply “proper


gift-giving etiquette” to an event where the hosts don’t seem to know the difference between an engagement and a shakedown. Your husband’s idea of contributing


a down payment is businesslike and intriguing. Will they marry and receive the second payment? If they don’t marry at all or on time, will the couple return the first payment? If you go this route, you might want to


draw up a contract. Just because a couple demands


money doesn’t mean you have to give it.


I usually give books to engaged couples. For these two, I’d suggest one by my favorite arbiter of, well, just about everything: Judith Martin, a.k.a. Miss Manners.Martin’s latest book, wryly co-authored with her daughter, Jacobina Martin, is just right for the occasion: “Miss Manners’ Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding” (W.W. Norton & Co.).


Dear Amy: Once again, I received an


acknowledgement of a nice gift (a sizable check) with a picture of the recipient and the words “Thank You” preprinted underneath. Nothing written, not even the recipient’s name — that was preprinted, too! I was taught and taught my kids to mention the gift, jot down a few words about what it would be used for and thank the person again for the thoughtfulness. In this case, even the envelope was addressed to me in the parent’s handwriting. I don’t think the recipient


had a hand in any of it. Your thoughts? Not Thanked


This is the first I’ve heard of this. I agree that it’s a hollow gesture, at best.


Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune. com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.


© 2010 by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services


CUL DE SAC Richard Thompson


ONLINE DISCUSSION Carolyn Hax’s weekly Web chat is at noon Fridays


TODAY’S HOROSCOPE Holiday Mathis


Aries (March 21-April 19) You could get a cancellation, and this frees you up. Anyway, rushing around is so uncool. You’ll like your life so much more when you leave the extra time you need for goofing off.


Taurus (April 20-May 20) You’ll get the chance to demonstrate how responsible you are. The positive reception you will get afterward feels good, but not nearly as good as the self-respect you get from a job well done.


Gemini (May 21-June 21) When the creative inspiration strikes, you strike back by capturing the moment in a most unique way. You are playing a magical game with the muses, and that is why they will continue to favor you.


Cancer (June 22-July 22) Sometimes your people lean on you to such a degree that you feel as if you’re doing all the work. You’re not doing all of it, though; just most of it. Do less, and they’ll kick in with more help.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Your secrets are safe with you. Not so much with your friends. This is no time to share anecdotes of your inner world,


not even those that seem silly and harmless. Things get twisted in the retelling.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Support your friends by attending


their gatherings and contributing to the conversation in interesting ways. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. You might have to do some research to find appropriate conversational fodder.


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) You keep comparing yourself to people who are much more experienced than you. It helps to drive you forward, but it can also be discouraging. For now, stop the comparisons and just do your best.


Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) You’re likely to go on a wild goose chase and wind up with not even so much as a feather. Are you better for the quest? It may not feel like it, but now at least you know which avenues not to turn down next time.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You can only do what you can, and


that is enough. You won’t believe it, and you’ll be tempted to tire yourself out trying to push harder than is necessary. Be smart. Get your beauty rest instead.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You’re probably still unsure about the


best next move. There’s someone out there who would feel honored to be your mentor. Do you have the courage to ask?


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Your next move will be a strategic one. Doing the right thing will be only slightly harder than doing the convenient thing, but it will save you from awkwardness and pain in the future.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Asking yourself to do too much at once is mean. You wouldn’t do it to a child or even to a full-grown loved one. And right now you’re a bit fragile. Give yourself the extra care you need.


TODAY’S BIRTHDAY | JUNE 20: Your new year is marked by a powerful inner confidence. You no longer feel you need validation from outside sources, and ironically, praise and appreciation are lavished on you over the next 10 weeks. Along quest culminates in July. September brings a bonus. October is for building business. Sagittarius and Virgo people adore you.


© 2010, Creators Syndicate


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