Aviation Make-you-laugh (we hope)
Maintaining aircraft is a serious business and people’s lives are at stake. So now and then it’s important to have some amusement and we present the following and hope readers will send in their own jokes so we can lift our mood a little when the pressure’s on. To kick off with, some of the following will be somewhat historical but, we feel, worthy of committing to print. Contributions should be sent to ianparker@avmain-mag. com and take the form of extracts from fault reporting sheets, real or invented.
P = pilot
ME = maintenance engineer
P - Autoland produces hard touchdowns.
ME – This aircraft not fitted with autoland.
P – Nosewheel tire almost needs replacing.
ME – Almost replaced nosewheel tire.
P- Something loose in the cockpit.
ME – Something tightened in the cockpit.
P – Dead bugs on the windshield.
ME – Live ones on order.
P – Autopilot does not hold altitude.
ME – Cannot reproduce this fault on the ground.
P – Evidence of leak on main gear oleo.
ME – Evidence removed.
P – Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
ME – That’s what they’re for.
P – Transponder inoperative in OFF mode.
ME – All things inoperative in OFF mode.
P – Right engine missing.
ME – Right engine found after brief walkround.
P – Aircraft handles funny.
ME – Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P – No .2 radio hums.
ME – Lyrics on order.
P – Mouse in the cockpit.
ME – Cat fitted (see picture top right).
P – How high is the top of the fin and rudder?
ME – Depends on your flight level.
P – Passengers referred to as SLB?
ME – Self-loading baggage.
P – First officer sent to stores for long stand.
ME – He’ll be there quite while.
P – Cockpit inspection revealed incorrect registration on instrument panel.
ME – You’re in the wrong aircraft.
P – Maintenance hangar moved from known location.
ME – You’ve landed at the wrong airport.
P – In-flight film quality so low that absolutely all passengers and even flight attendants asleep.
ME – Cabin pressurization not selected ON.
58 Aviation Maintenance | avmain-mag.com
| April/May 2010
P – Landing ground roll short with high deceleration and strange noises.
ME – Landing gear not selected DOWN.
P- Houses bigger/houses smaller lever function reversed.
ME – Aircraft inverted.
P – Could you help us compile a list of useless things in aviation?
ME – Suggest altitude above you, runway behind you, fuel in the bowser, charts left in flight planning.
P – On throttle opening, aircraft accelerates backwards.
ME – Reverse thrust to be used only on landing.
P – Difficulty in seeing runway centerline on night take offs.
ME – Only cabin lights to be selected OFF for take off.
P – Charts/maps being blown around cockpit.
ME – Cockpit side window to be opened only on the ground.
P – In-flight coffee tastes like aviation oil.
ME – Do not confuse W100 with Gold Blend.
P –ADF transmitter seems to be interviewing celebrities.
ME – Retune receivers to aviation frequencies, not entertainment radio.
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