INDICATORS
hile I was going through my nightly ritual of watching endless SuperSport Blitz rotations recently, my partner of eight years
broached the precarious subject of having a child. When I fi nally regained consciousness, I began to warm to the idea of having a little Tiger-Tyson Messaldo or Casterena Moolla. You see, as the off spring of a sports-
mad devourer of everything from football and rugby to spelling bees and tiddly-winks, and given my role as a stern taskmaster, my sprog could realise my long-abandoned dream of competing at the Olympics or becoming a professional sportsman. You have to start them young, they say. Of course, that’s assuming that my child will inherit his/her mother’s athletic ability. I myself have all the natural grace of an asthmatic bulldog. Taking my job as a dad-coach
seriously, I’d clothe my baby in expensive Arsenal and Sharks jerseys and miniature football boots that last three days before having to be discarded. I’d also have them on an exclusive aural diet of Chariots of Fire, Eye of the Tiger and Eminem’s Lose Yourself. Later on, I’d relish the
opportunity to take my child and his/her team out for a celebratory protein shake and creatine doughnuts after a win. Only dad-coaches in the know have this one in their playbook, but seeing how many kids can be crammed into a Toyota Aygo makes a fantastic team bonding session. I believe the International Olympic Committee is considering it as a discipline for inclusion at Tokyo 2020. Oh, what fun we’d have! Hopefully, I won’t give in to my natural inclination to become that dad,
who treats every inter-house school competition or teddy bears’ picnic like a World Cup fi nal and ends up having to be gagged and bound in the stands while giggling toddlers tar and feather him with lollipops and dandelions. Sport has long been proven to yield
a host of physical, emotional and psychological benefi ts for children. A metaphor for overcoming obstacles and achieving against the odds, it builds self-esteem, develops teamwork and leadership skills, encourages healthy lifestyle habits and is a potent stress- reliever, as well as a strong social asset. But more importantly, it enhances their potential to secure VIP event tickets, agent’s fees and free merchandise for their doting fathers. Ultimately, though, I’d want my child
to be like a Toyota Hilux. Not in terms of size or sheer horsepower, but rather in capturing the spirit of resilience and a never-say-die attitude, no matter where life takes them (be it Old Traff ord or Loftus Versfeld). Even Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson famously couldn’t drown, torch, crash or pummel the indestructible ba kkie into submission. If my child can replicate that in
terms of mental fortitude and couple it with a Herculean ability to transport crates of beer, there’s no telling how far he/she will go.
CHILD LOCK ENGAGED
CHILDREN CAN LEARN MANY THINGS FROM PARTICIPATING IN SPORT – SUCH AS THEIR DAD-COACH’S TENDENCY TO BECOME UNHINGED BY EBRAHIM MOOLLA
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