Power questions dramatically improve the quality of your conversations and help build stronger rela- tionships. Of course, not every question is a power question, says Sobel.
For starters, a power question is open-ended: Not, "Is it a priority to bring new skills into your depart- ment?" but rather, "In your department, how will your mix of employee skills need to change in the future?"
It typically surprises the other person - so don't fall back on clichés like "What keeps you up at night?" Instead ask, "What's the most exciting thing you're working on right now?" A power question gets you focused on the right issues, helps you understand the other person's agenda, and brings the strategic context and higher-level goals into the conversa- tion.
5. Caring Through Empathy
Empathy is the ability to sense other people's emo- tions, and also imagine what they are thinking and feeling. It's a fundamental skill that enables us to walk in the other person's shoes. Sobel says the four main foundations of empathy are an interest in others, self-awareness, humility, and listening skills.
"Take listening skills," says Sobel. "We may not think of listening as an expression of empathy, but it absolutely is. And most of us have bad listening habits: rushing people through conversations, fin- ishing their sentences, 'faking' paying attention. We check emails while on the phone with them. All these tell people, 'I don't care about you or what you're saying.'"
6. Developing Trust
Trust reduces the inevitable frictions inherent in working with others, the way oil keeps a car engine running smoothly. It enables the creation of deep, resilient connections at work and at home. When people trust each other, everything is easier: You can work together faster and more efficiently, be- cause you don't need to check up on each other all the time. You can express yourself to others with- out fear. Collaborating becomes a pleasant experi- ence. In a high-trust workplace, you need fewer rules and controls.
To build trust, demonstrate that you are always act- ing with the other person's best interests in mind. You need to meet commitments, keep confidences, and answer questions without hedging. Make these qualities tangible by sometimes doing something for the other person that is clearly not in your inter-
8 0 Januaryz February2020
est, and telling people quickly and openly about mistakes or bad news. Prepare carefully for meet- ings to showcase competence. On the other hand, trust-busting behaviors include criticizing others who aren't in the room, exaggerating, and always ensuring that your needs are met first.
7. Agenda Helping
A person's agenda is their top three to five priori- ties, needs, or goals. It's what is really important to them over the next six to twelve months. We all have both a professional and a personal agenda. When you understand a person's agenda, you can add value by helping them meet their goals - by sharing ideas or introducing them to others who can help. You may even anticipate or help shape their future agenda.
"Anticipating what may impact someone in the fu- ture is extraordinarily valuable. It's the difference between saying, 'Here's an idea to help you climb your career ladder faster and better,' and, 'I think your ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.' You're looking ahead and giving them the big pic- ture. But be careful: You must be certain you under- stand what they're focused on today. Don't be one of those boors who tells people what to do without first getting to know them!"
8. Influence
Simply put, influence is the power to change or af- fect someone. If you have it, you'll be able to con- vince others of your ideas and proposals and gain support for your goals. The foundation of influenc- ing is having a strength of character and depth of knowledge that commands others to listen to you and follow your advice. This is your "pull" strategy. The second part of the influence process involves "pushing" via the use of persuasion strategies.
There are seven main persuasion strategies: self-in- terest, rational appeal, emotional appeal, consis- tency, reciprocity, social proof, and scarcity. All are valid in certain scenarios. "I typically use the first three in combination, as they work well in most sit- uations," notes Sobel. "Then I may draw from the other four to supplement these three. I tend to avoid scarcity - I find that it's close to scaremonger- ing. Appealing to self-interest and rational analysis is more powerful."
9. Relationship Healing
Your ability to help resolve conflicts and heal bro- ken relationships is paramount to your own well- being and those around you. Unresolved conflicts
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