On the other hand, when we have a small group of close professional relationships we're able to get our ideas recognized and supported. We're able to be successful leaders. We're able to collaborate and innovate effectively and serve our clients in the way they deserve.
Trust is the foundation of strong rela- tionships - yet it's noticeably absent from our culture. Over the last few decades, nearly every measure of trust has declined. This trust deficit and our professional relationship woes have grown in tandem with the rise of the In- ternet - and they've crept in so insidi- ously we may not have realized it was happening.
"The 'normalizing' of digital relation- ships has masked the weakness of many professionals' face-to-face rela- tionship-building skills," says Sobel, cre- ator of the masterclass Building Relationships That Matter. "This is espe- cially true for younger professionals, who have grown up on a steady diet of online 'friends' and connections, and are less schooled in the art of face-to- face relationship-building.
The ability to build trusted professional relationships should never be left to chance, he asserts. We must get inten- tional about learning and practicing the attitudes and skills that allow us to build the 15-25 trusted relationships that matter to our careers. (Contrast this to the hundreds of "surface" online connections people seem obsessed with racking up.)
Through 20 years of research and ex- tensive experience working with over 50,000 professionals, Sobel has identi- fied nine attitudes and skills that allow us to build solid, trust-based relation- ships. In his masterclass he teaches people how to cultivate them and gives very specific very specific tips for im- plementing them in their day-to-day re- lationships.
If you're looking for a good new year's resolution, here you go: work on boost- ing your relationship IQ by focusing on these nine attitudes and skills in 2020.
1. Generosity
If trust is the universal lubricant for re- lationships, generosity is the fuel that gets them started and keeps them grow- ing. Sobel describes it as the willing- ness to give freely of your time, expertise, experience, and social capi- tal. In other words, it's not just about giv- ing money (which is what most of us think of); it's often about being willing to forgive someone who has hurt you or being happy for other people's good fortunes.
"Most of us aren't as generous in prac- tice as we'd like to be," says Sobel. "We have a 'me' focus. Sometimes this is due to a lack of role models. Other times it's a fear of being taken advan- tage of. We need to strengthen our gen- erosity muscle by taking small, daily steps."
For example: Think about someone in your professional network who has ex- perienced a success or positive devel- opment in their life. Speak to them in person, call them up, or write a short note (ideally, not an email or text). Ex- press your admiration and how excited you are for them.
2. Curiosity
This attitude helps you learn about peo- ple, giving you a better basis to build rapport with them. It drives you to un- derstand what's important to others. The more you learn from those around you, the more proprietary knowledge you'll accumulate (i.e., stuff you can't Google!). Curiosity tends to atrophy as we age - but it doesn't have to. We can intentionally initiate and cultivate it.
For example, when you talk to people you're trying to form trusted profes-
sional relationships with, ask them about their goals, aspirations, and dreams. What have been the most im- portant experiences in their lives and turning points in their careers? If you feel uncomfortable doing this, "prac- tice" with a family member or friend.
3. Rapport
Rapport is a harmonious, sympathetic connection between you and the other person. It requires effective communi- cation and an understanding of each other's feelings and ideas. You can't ma- nipulate others into feeling rapport by, say, simply mirroring body language. People see through such tricks.
To create rapport, you must come across as trustworthy, competent, and likeable - and all three qualities require preparation and being present and human.
"There are things you can do to project all three qualities," says Sobel. "Find commonalities and similarities - this in- creases your likeability. So does walking in and thinking, I like this person - stud- ies show it makes them like you. Ask questions and show an active interest in the other person, which increases trust. And of course, nothing demon- strates competence like being prepared and having a well-developed point of view on the topic you're discussing."
4. Power Questions
Sobel says the CEO of a large, global corporation once said to him: "I can al- ways tell how experienced someone is by the quality of their questions and how well they listen. Good questions are far more powerful than quick, easy answers."
Mid-AtlanticEvEnts Magazine 79
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