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UPBEAT TIMES, INC. • April 2018 • 21 The Birthing Coach ... continued from page 19


sweet & sour mix, triple sec and a blender, just in case.Terri woke me up at 1:30AM with the words every man longs to hear from his lover while lying in bed, “My water broke!” As an ‘experienced’ coach, I knew that it would likely be hours be- fore actual labor would start, so moving more like Marcus Wel- by this time, I calmly loaded up. In the car, I timed contrac- tions as I drove. I admonished Terri that she was not following the program, “Your last con- tractions were 5 minutes apart but the ones before were 90 seconds!” As I slowed for the stoplight, she responded, “If you stop at another red light, I will rip your head off!” Obvi- ously, she needed drugs! We arrived at the hospital and


got Terri loaded into a wheel- chair for the teenaged attendant to transport as I calmly parked the car. Terri kept yelling crazy things like, “I need to push!” to which the frightened teenager would respond, “Not now!” Clearly, he had not attended class! I arrived bedside to be-


gin coaching while the staff went to awaken the doctor on call. In my absence, Terri had transformed into Linda Blair from “The Exorcist” as she ex- pressed the questionable nature of my lineage and threatened to rip my man parts from my body in what I can only assume is some satanic birthing ritual. I was still trying to relax Ter- ri’s grip on my throat when the doctor arrived and I was freed; before I could breathe well enough to ‘coach,’ our daugh- ter Katie was born. While the nurses congratulated Terri on


such a quick birth, I wondered why I bothered to wear my “Birthing Coach” t-shirt! I returned to Lamaze class


for the third time for our sec- ond pregnancy. By then I knew the lectures so well, I could substitute for the teacher when she needed a night off. Bored in class, I enjoyed offering insight to our inexperienced classmates by regaling them with horror stories of my actual experiences as they sat wide- eyed reconsidering ‘natural childbirth’. My class suspen- sion was short-lived and I re- turned in time to graduate. To celebrate, I added fresh limes and agave syrup to the go bag. Terri’s water broke and we drove to the hospital; Terri was dilated one centimeter and hav- ing mild contractions. I was excited, I would finally be able to show off my birth coaching skills! She had a sudden pain and I pounced, “Breath!” She countered, “Shut-up and get the nurse!”


The nurse arrived, “You


were dilated 1 centimeter less than 10 minutes ago, let me check but we may be able to get you drugs....OH!!! THE BABY’S COMING!” She hit the emergency call button and while the doctor and nurses delivered Nick, I sat in the corner sulking and plugged in the blender...


Upbeat at East West Cafe in Santa Rosa, California!


JOKES & Humor # 6


After football fans in Philadel- phia were treated to a particu- larly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.” “What’s your word?” the host replied. “Bored out of my mind,” said the caller. ~


A great restaurant is one that just makes you feel like you’re not sure whether you went out or you came home and confuses you. If it can do both of those things at the


same time, you’re hooked. Danny Meyer


The topic of a student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among foot-


ball players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a


bunch of pre-Madonnas out there on the field.”


We have Positive Solutions to Means... ...continued on page 24 ...continued from page 19


Unforeseen Interruptions! From time to time mini fender benders and accidents occur when you least expect them. And they do happen. We are a positive solution to these annoying interruptions. We hope you don’t have to call us. But if you do... We’ll be ready!


5800 Guerneville Rd Sebastopol • 829-2477


“There is always a way.” ~ Haresh Vansh UPBEAT TIMES, INC. • April 2018 • 21


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