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going clinical studies on the mental and physical effects of expressing emotional experiences. He writes, “Psychologists have a strong sense that talking or even writing about emotions or personal up- heavals can boost autonomic nervous system activity, immune function and physical health.”


Dale Larson, Ph.D., a professor of


psychology at Santa Clara University, in California, who developed a self- concealment scale that has been widely used in the helping professions, further comments: “We have found that self- concealment is associated with more physical symptoms and higher levels of depression and anxiety.” Apparently, both the body and the mind have to work extra hard to lie and keep secrets.


Honest to Goodness Telling the truth does wonders for rela- tionships. When we hold our tongues to avoid a conflict—declaring to our partner that we don’t mind green wall paint, when we really want yellow— the feeling doesn’t just disappear. Rev. Mark D. Roberts, Ph.D., author of Dare to Be True, sees in his ministry that the cost of avoiding even superficial con- flicts can be high. “You lose the ability to be yourself with your own family,” says Roberts, “and you sacrifice an au- thentic, growing, healthy relationship,” with a spouse or child or friend. Yet, speaking your truth to oth- ers that have their own feelings and


reactions requires tact, empathy, trust, good timing and a willingness to take chances. The cornerstone for practicing honesty in a safe and productive way is that you can only be honest about your- self. Truth is rarely objective; therefore, all we can really do is refer to our own perceptions of it.


In addition to its subjectivity, the truth can be messy, distasteful and even painful. “But when we take a risk and speak the truth,” Campbell maintains, “we often find out that we can handle it, and we become inwardly stronger. Often the relationship benefits as well, because the air has been cleared.” Practicing honesty in relationships not only deepens intimacy and authen- ticity, it also produces better results with less effort. “Stalling is inefficient,” notes Cole. “I don’t want people com- ing back to me again; I’d rather tell them no at first, rather than hedge.” “Playing nice is often a lie,” she


elaborates. “Being nice is not nice. Be- ing kind is nice.” Being real, rather than nice, can bring unexpected rewards, even with strangers. By answering truthfully, you might be surprised at the sparks of revelation and connection sometimes created in a moment of pure honesty.


Frances Lefkowitz’s book, To Have Not, was named one of five Best Memoirs of 2010 by SheKnows.com. Connect at FrancesLefkowitz.net.


The Language of Honesty


In her book, Saying What’s Real, psy- chotherapist Susan Campbell, Ph.D., offers some phrases that can help facil- itate a safe and honest conversation. “I want... ” Assuming that other


people know what we want is a self- protective mechanism; it helps us avoid feeling the vulnerability that comes from asking for what we want and possibly not getting it. If you ask for what you want at the moment you actually want it, the other person can better feel the clarity and energy of your desire.


“Hearing you say that, I feel...”


This phrase helps to keep our atten- tion focused on the only truth we can know for sure—our own feelings. If talking about another’s emotions, label your interpretation; for example, “I imagine you’re feeling sad.” “I have some feelings to clear.” Old, uncommunicated emotions are like clutter: If they don’t get cleared away, you’ll just keep tripping over them. When you decide to do some emotional housecleaning, formulate a goal for the conversation. Begin by telling the other person that your intent is to clear the air so the relation- ship can become stronger.


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