LOOKING FOR AN EASY £1500? Yeah, we thought that would get your attention, and so did the National Apprenticeship Service. They’ve tipped us off about the government apprenticeship grant scheme that’s become “so popular” (read unpopular) it’s been extended to March 2014. What it means is that if you’ve got a firm of less than 1000 employees and want to take on a trainee/dogsbody/ clockwatcher/apprentice between the ages of 16 and 24, you can put in a claim for the aforementioned spondulix and will probably get it (terms and conditions apply, including the fact that it’s limited to ten trainees per customer, while stocks last). “It’s just a token amount,” said Business
Secretary Vince Cable, “but it will help train up [sic] the workers of the future.” Workers of the future? Sounds like
Vince is having a laugh. £1500 is a derisory amount for spending weeks, or months, or even years bringing a green recruit up to flank speed, especially when viewed against the statutory costs and responsibilities involved in giving anyone a job these days. So it’s no wonder they’re still trying to
give the cash away. But if you’re looking for some fresh blood for your workshop or garage, take the money and run. Just remember that sacking them is an expensive new nightmare.
http://apprenticeships.org.uk/
OF COURSE, SOME OF THESE apprentices, along with your existing staff, could be costing you a lot more than 1500 nicker if Cable’s fellow (Scottish) LibDem Business Minister Jo Swinson (pictured) gets her way. According to the Forum
for Private Business (FPB), Swinson wants to increase employee blackmail power by granting them the right to ask for flexible hours to beat rush hour congestion. Yes, you heard it. Slack
Alice and Lazy Larry might some day be armed with legislation compelling you, as a businessman, to formally consider and explore their request/ demand to pretty much come and go as it suits them, rather than as it suits you. The FPB is understandably hissed off about this latest leftie wheeze and believes the administration costs of dealing with these kinds of spurious requests far outweigh the benefits. The answer, says the FPB, is to sort out public transport infrastructure and commuting costs so that workers can march to the same industrial or commercial beat. That’s the way it used to be done, and that’s the way to increase business. We’re in agreement. But 33-year old Jo, with just seven years in politics (and none in business), has got the bit between her teeth and has a track record of very vocal mouth flapping, so keep an eye on her. She also wants 16-year-olds to get the
vote (as if most of them really know what to do with it, huh?), is against building new prisons, hates Easter egg packaging (we’re with her on that one), and recently married fellow LibDem MP Duncan Hames. It can therefore only be a matter of time
before they breed, and the whole bleeding- heart liberal cycle starts again. Be warned.
SPEAKING OF INFRASTRUCTURE, the
roads in the UK are falling to pieces due to potholes. No, that’s not new news. That’s old news. But Nottingham Trent University and the University of Nottingham have
just figured out that the highways can be fixed to last longer (how much longer is unspecified) by slapping a little bitumen in the potholes and heating the asphalt before application. Something like that, anyway. They’ve also worked out that (wait for
it…) ice creates the holes, and that passing vehicles dislodge loose material and make the holes even bigger. In other words, it took two of our of leading universities to identify a 2000-year-old problem and figure out a solution that even Jo Swinson could get to grips with. Dr Nicholas Thom, of the University of Notts, reckons:
“This study holds
the promise of transforming general understanding into a usable design approach, based on both experiment and computation.” Have you ever heard such nonsense? If
the government simply filled up the holes with all the money it wastes propping up the increasingly inadequate educational establishments in the UK, it would be smooth running all the way from Land’s End to John O’Groats. But that ain’t gonna happen, not in
the short term. So once again, remember to stock up on fork seals, fork springs, wheel rims, wheel bearings, body armour and Elastoplast. Your bent and bruised customers will thank you for it.
BUT DON’T TALK TO US about potholes. We’ve just been reading a press release concerning a recent Public Accounts Committee Report (25th Session, chaired by Labour MP, the Rt Hon. Margaret Hodge) detailing just how much money the government is throwing at the problem. Between 2011 and 2012, it was £1.2bn. But that money also
encompasses “small transport projects”, whatever they are. HM Government has no way of knowing exactly what percentage goes where, because the grants are “unringfenced”. Now, between 2009
and 2010, UK councils spent around £8.5bn on transport. But these councils are already facing hefty budget cuts and are looking to boost the coffers by any means, both fair and foul. In light of this, the Department for
Transport is looking at ways to further devolve the fund-raising powers of these councils, thereby making them even less accountable for monies raised and spent.
WHILE THE GOVERNMENT is losing its grip on the roads, it’s increasing its grip on the people who drive on them. New regulations have been proposed
to limit or cut the use of interpreters on driving tests. Why? Because of prolonged abuses of the system, which has seen interpreters simply answering the theory questions on behalf of the non-English speaking candidates. In fact, these interpreters have become so adept and familiar with the Highway Code that they can pretty much guarantee a pass mark, on paper anyway. But the Empire is fighting back and
believes that if you can’t read the road signs and the warnings on the traffic gantries, not to mention understand the radio traffic bulletins, you’re not fit for the road. Common sense? From the government?
Whatever next! Pressgang MARCH 2013 15
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