enough. One electronic engineer I know programmed the LEDs on his tender to flare and fade, like the pilot light on Apple computers. This simulates breathing when asleep. Another has rigged sound to this, so his motorcycle actually snores while the battery is tended. These guys may offer this system commercially. Options will favor K bikes with a snore that sounds like a dragon snoozing in a cave. R bikes can either sound like a dreaming poodle or fish floating upside down in a bowl. Cover the bike with a hand-made Amish
quilt, preferably one that has won a prize in a local fair. If such a thing is not possible, grab the tablecloth off the dining room table. Cover the machine in such a way that the rough side of the stitching does not come into contact with the bike. Leave the headlamp exposed. Bikes do not hibernate like politicians in committee, but wake up from time to time for a look around. An exposed headlamp allows the machine get its bearings, even if the garage is dark. Position a chair alongside the night table.
I recommend the Kermit Chair, with the optional leg extenders. The Kermit Chair is a mechanical marvel of wood and metal, like an old Morgan car. This is the most comfortable folding chair in the world. I am waiting for the folks at Kermit to design a motorcycle saddle. (Without the leg extend- ers, however, the chair is perfect for anyone who is 24 inches tall.) It also lends a rally effect to the garage. If you have two Kermit Chairs, you can invite a moto-friend over to share the mood. There is no more perfect accessory conducive to reading aloud to your bike on nights when the snow is piling up outside. The choice of reading material can be varied. I recommend books which feature talking motorcycles as the protago- nist. Certain columns from this magazine work well too. Now suppose you don’t have a garage or
live in an apartment. A guest room makes an even better place to park your bike for the winter. Chances are the guest room is heated and offers close proximity to a bath- room and the kitchen. It might even have cable, which makes it easier to spend the night cuddled next to your bike. With a
motorcycle taking up most of the guest room, visits from the in-laws will be fewer and briefer. For those stubborn cases with in-laws who are more than 50 percent lam- prey, invite them to stay in the guest room but leave the motorcycle running. Visit your bike often during the winter.
Pay attention to the details, like tightening that loose mirror, adjusting the headlamp or installing the new fuse block. Try to incorporate the machine into your family holidays. There are four major holidays in the winter to distract folks in Minnesota and Montana from the weather. Many ear- lier settlers to Minnesota were from Scandi- navia. From 1862 to 1911, thousands would head back to Oslo and Stockholm during January, February and March — to warm up — before returning to their farms in time for the tornado season. Valentine’s Day, the one day of the year dedicated to romancing the lover in your life, is in the middle of February solely to conserve body heat. Bikers can make the most of this spe- cial day by taking their lovers into the garage and showing them the thousands of dollars recently spent on motorcycle farkle. There is no better setting to present a drug- store candy heart and a $2 card. (Be sure to take the price off the candy heart.)
Moto aficionado and writer, Jack Riepe, is chronically single. He recently traveled to a far-off island in the South Pacific and demanded asylum. He was put in one (which explains his absence from the October and November issues of Owners News). The first edition of Riepe’s moto book Conversations With a Motorcycle is now exhausted. The new and revised second edition with the annotated chapters on New Jersey and answers to reader’s questions will be avail- able shortly. Early review copies of the sec- ond edition have already been banned by a religious group, claiming it upset their snakes. To get on the list for the Cursed Sec- ond Edition of Conversations With a Motor- cycle, contact the author: jack.riepe@gmail. com. Please put “Cursed Second Edition” in the subject line.
December 2015 BMW OWNERS NEWS 107
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