San Diego Reader September 1, 2016 79
news of the WeiRD
LEAD STORY — More and more churches (“hundreds,” ac- cording to a June Christianity Today report) off er hesitant parishioners a
“money-back
guarantee” if they tithe 10 percent (or more) of their income for 90 days — but then feel that God blesses them insuffi ciently in return. T e South Carolina megachurch NewSpring insti- tuted such a program in the 1990s and claims that, of 7000 recent pledgers, “fewer than 20” expressed dissatisfaction with the Lord. Advo- cates cite the Bible’s Book of Malachi, quoting God himself (according to Christianity Today): “Test me in this.” “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse” and “see if I will not pour out so much blessing” that “there will not be room enough to store it.”
Suspicions Confi rmed — In June, district attorney Jerry Jones in Mon- roe, Louisiana, dropped drug and gun charges against college football players Cam Robinson and Hootie Jones (who play for University of Alabama but are from Monroe) — declaring that the “main reason” for his decision is that “I refuse to ruin the lives of two young men who have spent their adolescence and teenage years working and sweating, while we were all in the air conditioning.” — A Philadelphia “casting” agency solicited “extras” to show up at polling stations on the April 26 Pennsylvania primary day for candi- date Kevin Boyle, who was running against state Sen. John Sabatina — off ering $120 each (plus lunch and an open bar). Since most polling-site “electioneering” is illegal, the probable job was
merely to give voters the impression that Boyle was very popular. (Sabatina narrowly won.) — In January, a Chicago Tribune investigation revealed only 124 of the roughly 12,000 Chi- cago cops were responsible for the misconduct complaints that resulted in settlements (since 2009)— with one offi cer, for example, identi- fi ed in seven. (A June Chicago Reporter study claimed the city paid out $263 million total on misconduct litigation during 2012–2015.)
Litigious Societies — Insurance agent John Wright fi led a lawsuit in Will County, Illinois, in June over teenagers playing “ding dong ditch,” in which kids ring a doorbell but run away before the resident an- swers. T e lawsuit claims that bell-ringer Bren- nan Papp, 14, caused Wright “severe emotional distress, anxiety, and weight loss,” resulting in at least $30,000 of lost income. — T e ex-boyfriend of Nina Zgurskaya fi led a lawsuit in Siberia aſt er she broke up with him for his reluctance to “pop the question” aſt er a two-year courtship. T e man, not named in a dispatch from Moscow, demanded compen- sation for his dating expenses. T e trial court ruled against him, but he is appealing.
Fetishes on Parade — Recidivist Jesse Johnson, 20, was charged again in June (for suspicion of disturbing the peace) aſt er he had crawled underneath a wom- an’s car at an Aldi store’s parking lot in Lincoln, Nebraska, waited for her to return, and then, as she was stepping into the car, reaching out to fondle her ankle. It was Johnson’s third such
charge this year, and he initially tried to deny the actual touch, instead claiming that he was underneath the car “simply for the visual.” Johnson acknowledged to the judge that he needs help and that he had been in counseling but had run out of money. (At press time, the status of the latest incident was still pending.)
The Job of the Researcher — A team of researchers is following about 30 tabbies, calicos, and others, recording their moves and sounds, to somehow learn whether housecats have dialects in their meows and alter other patterns of stress and intonation when they “speak” to other cats or to humans. In explaining the project, linguist Robert Eklund (of Sweden’s Linkoping University) personally sounded out “a pretty wide range of meows to illustrate his points,” wrote a New York magazine interviewer in April. Eklund is already an expert on feline purring (at
Purring.org) — although from a dis- tance, as he admits to being allergic to cats.
The Passing Parade — Quixotic Malaysian designer Moto Guo made a splash at Milan’s fashion week in June when he sent model aſt er model to the runway with facial blotches that suggested they had zits or skin conditions. One reporter was appar- ently convinced, concluding, “Each man and woman on the runway looked miserable.” — Nelson Hidalgo, 47, was arrested in New York City in June and charged with criminal negligence and other crimes for parking his van near Citi Field during a Mets game and drawing players’ complaints when he ramped
by Chuck Shepherd © 2016
up the van’s 80-speaker sound system. “I know it’s illegal, but it’s the weekend,” said Hidalgo. “I usually [just] get a ticket.”
Wait, What? — Brigham Young University professor Jason Hansen apologized in May aſt er coaxing a stu- dent (for extra credit) to drink a small vial of his urine in class. T e physiology session was on kidney function, and Hansen thought the stunt would call attention to urine’s unique properties. He confessed later that the “urine” was just food coloring with vinegar added; that he had used the stunt in previous classes; and that he usually admits the ruse at the next class session. Nonetheless, Hansen’s depart- ment chair suggested he retire the concept.
Undignifi ed Deaths — Australian lawyer WilliamRay was killed on May 22 when he was thrown from his all- terrain “quad bike” in rural Victoria state and pinned underneath. Ray had come to promi- nence by representing Honda as the company balked at mandatory installation of anti-roll bars on quad bikes. — A 48-year-old employee at North Central Bronx Hospital in New York City died of a heart attack at work on June 7, under circum- stances (according to police) indicating that he was viewing a pornographic video at the mo- ment of his death.
Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, San Diego Reader, P.O. Box 85803, San Diego, CA 92186 or to
WeirdNewsTips@Yahoo.com
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