12 San Diego Reader September 1, 2016
Walter
Mencken’s
SD ON THE QT No. 4 on the Charts, But
No. 1 in Their Hearts San Diego snags coveted nod from prestigious periodical
C
iting the city’s “temper- ate climate, numerous underpasses, beau-
tiful public parks, and his- torically generous populace,” Hobo Magazine has awarded
gerous at worst, and Los Angeles is just a nasty place in general. And besides the weather — per- haps even more important than the weather — is the attitude. It seems like 2016 is the year that
more homeless,” says East Vil- lage resident Bill Nimby. “It’s not quite as bad as when the Zonies descend upon us every summer, but it’s pretty close. And because they don’t leave, you wind up with sprawl. Our homeless infrastructure is already stressed; just look at our temporary housing situation in the wintertime. We don’t need this kind of unchecked growth.” Hobo Richard Two-Teeth
agrees. “I was homeless way before everybody started pay- ing attention, you know? Back before it was a scene. In those days, we had a key to the city dumpsters; every year, someone new got to be the Keeper of the Key. It was a community, you know? Now look: you’ve got homeless dudes killing other homeless dudes, turf wars over the best corners, and stupid teenagers living on the streets when they don’t even have to! I don’t know, man. I’m think- ing of heading somewhere else. Maybe Nashville.” Speaking of Nashville,
A hobo sets up camp in San Diego’s bucolic Balboa Park
San Diego its annual “golden shopping cart,” ranking it the number-one city in the coun- try in which to be homeless in 2016. “It’s true that Los Ange- les, New York, and Seattle have larger homeless populations,” said Hobo Magazine editor Sam Indigent, “but it’s significant that this is the first year that San Diego has managed to make the top four.” Of course, notes Indigent,
it’s not just a numbers game. “Seattle and New York have climates that make outdoor living difficult at best and dan-
San Diego decided to really start paying attention to its home- less population. All of a sudden, you’ve got all kinds of public concern and private charity, combined with a warm blanket of media coverage for the hobo lifestyle. Yeah, you could say that it’s long overdue, but why grouse? The fact is, a change has come, and it’s a change for the better. And speaking of change — have you got any?” However, not everyone is
thrilled with Hobo Magazine’s decision to honor San Diego. “This is just gonna attract
that city’s Director of Home- less Outreach is also none too pleased with San Diego’s newfound status. “Under my direction, the City of Nash- ville has instituted a program of building tiny houses for its homeless population. Yes, our place on the ‘Most Homeless’ list has dropped, but that’s only because we’ve actually given them homes. We’re the best friends the homeless have, but Hobo Magazine is so devoted to keeping a roof off of its head that they’ve decided to ignore us for a city that allows private security firms to drive the homeless from its hipster enclaves.”
DISTRICT ATTORNEY DUMANIS, 25% OF YOUR
MAYORAL CAMPAIGN FUNDS CAME FROM A MEXICAN BILLIONAIRE, A MAN YOU MET TWICE AND WITH WHOM YOU DISCUSSED FUNDRAISING DURING A CONFERENCE CALL.
DO YOU
ON DEC. 29 OF 2011, AT LEAST 43% OF YOUR DONATIONS HAD AZANO AS THEIR SOURCE.
REALLY EXPECT US TO BELIEVE YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO ASK IF HE HAD A GREEN CARD?
YOU WANT ANSWERS? YOU WANT ANSWERS?!
I WANT THE TRUTH!
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
SON, WE LIVE IN A CITY WHERE YOU NEED A LOT OF MONEY TO GET ELECTED, AND THAT
KIND OF MONEY HAS TO COME FROM RICH BASTARDS WHO NEED GOVERNMENT FAVORS. DEEP DOWN, IN PLACES YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT IN PUBLIC, YOU WANT ME AT THOSE MEETINGS. YOU NEED ME AT THOSE MEETINGS.
I HAVE NEITHER THE TIME
NOR THE INCLINATION TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO A MAN WHO BUYS VIAGRA
OVER THE COUNTER IN TIJUANA AND THEN QUESTIONS THE LEGAL STATUS OF MY CAMPAIGN FUNDS!
YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT I DID!
DID
YOU ASK ABOUT THE GREEN CARD?!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? AM I
BEING ACCUSED OF A CRIME? I EAT BREAKFAST 15 MILES FROM A BILLION DOLLARS THAT SOMEONE WANTS TO USE TO
BUILD A MAJOR TOURIST ATTRACTION IN MY CITY, A CITY THAT LIVES, EATS, AND BREATHES BECAUSE OF TOURISTS. SO DON'T THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT YOU CAN DRAG ME IN HERE AND CITE FEDERAL LAW ABOUT FOREIGN DONATIONS AND MAKE ME NERVOUS. I'M THE D.A. I'M VERY CAREFUL. AND YOU'RE MAKING OUR CITY WEAKER. THAT'S ALL YOU'RE DOING HERE.
Dumanis Takes the (Last?) Stand
District attorney decides to answer prosecutors’ questions about her knowledge of illegal campaign funds from Mexican businessman
A Few Good Straw Men (Through Which to Funnel Cash)
Almost factual news
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