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've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty; I've got

whozits and whatzits galore. You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty! But who cares? No big deal. I want MOARRRRRRR.

Avid Disney fans may notice that these are not my words, but in fact the tuneful musings of happy go-lucky, wannabe biped, Te Little Mermaid. You might think, “Hey! Tat lazy slacker’s started throwing in song lyrics to bulk out her word count”, but au contraire mes amis. Whilst many people like to see themselves through life with inspirational quotes from the likes of Ghandi/Martin Luther King/Game of Trones, when it comes to my love of kitchen based paraphernalia, nobody’s words resonate more than Princess Fishy Pants.

My name is Morgan, and I’m a utensil addict.

Te first step is admitting that you

have a problem. Te second is finding somewhere to put all this crap. I have pots and pans for every possible boiling, stewing and sautéing need. I have blenders, mixers and mincers. I have a mandolin for slicing very thin vegetables and the tips of your fingers, a blowtorch for crème brulees, and every shape of icing nozzle you could imagine. I have a very hefty deep fat fryer and a top of the range ice cream maker, both of which have been used fewer than ten times, yet I couldn’t consider living without. But the contest for the most niche item has to be between a spaghetti portioner that could easily be mistaken for a sex toy, and a pair of wooden prongs, specifically designed for removing bread from the toaster without electrocuting yourself.

Te unfortunate difference between Te Little Mermaid and me is that whilst she has an entire cave (and latterly a castle) to store her wares, I have a kitchen which is so small that the fridge has to live in the dining room. I’m pretty sure breakfast at Ariel’s doesn’t involve Eric yelling “What IS all this shit?” when he tries to find the Marmite and ends up in a Tupperware avalanche. Tus, this month I thought I would help you learn from my mistakes, and introduce you to the one gadget that I consider worth its space in your kitchen cupboard; the

thing I would save, above all others.

And my choice is my lemon squeezer. A simple tool, but as a serious citrus fan I use it nearly every day. It’s a brand called Eddingtons, and unlike traditional squeezers it presses the lemon between two arms (like a bigger version of a garlic crusher), preventing anything other than the juice from escaping.

So, if your monthly food column gives you lemons, what do you make? I decided against lemonade, given that it’s March. Instead I opted for a light and zingy lemon mousse. Before making this dish I viewed it as rather retro; something I would see in supermarkets and exclaim “But what is the point in a mousse that isn’t chocolate?!’, but I urge you to give it a try as it is really rather tasty.

And so this ends my final Big Eat column for you, dear Outliners. Unfortunately babies and work and general life mean I just don’t have time to come up with the recipes, puns and inappropriately placed swear words that you all deserve, and I have decided to retire. It has, however, been a blast. And you never know, one day I might update that long neglected blog which is referred to below..

Serves 6-8

Lemon Mousse

3 large eggs, separated 200g caster sugar 15g powdered gelatine Juice and zest of 2 lemons 300ml double cream A dusting of icing sugar/ fruit for decoration (optional)

Beat together the egg yolks and sugar, until they reach a pale, smooth consistency. Add the lemon juice and zest and mix together. Dissolve the gelatine in 100ml of boiling water, then stir into the egg and lemon mixture. Whisk the cream until thickened and fold in. Whisk the egg whites into firm peaks and fold these in too. Decant into glasses, or your chosen receptacle, and leave to set in the fridge for at least an hour, preferably overnight. Dust with icing sugar and serve.

Morgan writes her own, hilarious blog on the internet. You can visit it and do a laugh wee wee at

36 /March 2015/

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