nd suddenly it’s December. Deck the halls, purchase those presents and pop open the champers; it’s time to celebrate the birth of
the most important boy in history. Tat’s right, my baby is turning one. Oh, and there’s that other thing happening on the 25th as well.
I have to say, I’ve gone off Christmas of late. It used to be my favourite time of year, but recently it’s developed a sneaky habit of creeping up and biting me on the arse. I always think I’m going to ace it. Around January I start contemplating how brilliant I will be, with a whole 11 months to get myself in gear. I’ll make chutney as gifts, yeah! And decorations out of gingerbread, how delightful! Oh, and of course all of our cards will be hand-printed and totally bespoke. But then somehow it’s December 24th, I’ve got a stepladder covered in fairy lights instead of a tree, and I’ve forgotten to buy my own mother a present.
With the big birthday looming at the beginning of the month, I’ve accepted that Christmas has got no chance this year. All of my slightly optimistic event-planning skills are being diverted towards cat shaped cakes and Peppa Pig party hats. With this in mind, it’s a good job none of my family consider me grown-up enough to execute the big festive lunch. In fact, I’ve never cooked a Christmas lunch in my life, but for the purposes of this article let’s pretend I’m very knowledgeable on the subject and you should follow all of my advice.
Every other culinary publication will no doubt be giving you ten top tips on how to cook the perfect turkey. I’ll give you just one: don’t cook a fucking turkey. It’s always dry, it rarely fits in the oven and if you want
36 /December 2014/
outlineonline.co.uk
one that hasn’t been raised in a box, it’ll cost you a fortune. Get a nice hunk of beef, a pheasant, a couple of chickens. Or if you’re feeling totally buck wild, maybe forgo the meat altogether?
I speak from experience when I say that Christmas is one of the most miserable times of year to be a vegetarian, particularly if you’re the minority in your household and you’re not in charge of the cooking. When your host has a to-do list as long as Santa’s delivery schedule, you can be pretty confident that you and your animal based morals are going to rank somewhere near the bottom of the pile. Tis usually means a pallid piece of microprotein that’s been moulded into the shape of a turkey’s boobs, shoved in the trolley in a fraught last-minute dash to Sainsbury’s, and cooked till it’s the consistency of a plimsoll. Believe me, there is not enough cranberry sauce on this planet to make a Quorn fillet taste good.
Tis recipe is a good meat and plimsoll alternative for the big day, but it’s also a nice dish to serve with a salad on Boxing Day or beyond, when everyone else has got the meat sweats and needs something containing a vitamin or two.
So a Merry Christmas to you all and a Happy Birthday to my darling boy (and that Jesus chap). 2014, I bid you adieu.
Morgan Pickard
Mushroom and
Butternut Squash Strudel
5 sheets filo pastry A small butternut squash 300g mushrooms 40g butter
Half a glass of Marsala
A few sprigs of tarragon, chopped Blue cheese (optional) Olive oil
Set your oven to gas mark 5. Peel and chop the squash into small cubes, drizzle with olive oil, season and roast for around 30 minutes, until softened. Slice the mushrooms and fry in the butter until the liquid has cooked off, then add the Marsala and tarragon and cook until reduced again.
On a baking tray, lay a sheet of filo and brush it with oil, then place another on top and repeat the process so that you have four layers. Mix together the squash and mushrooms and spoon it onto the filo in a line at one end. Crumble over some blue cheese, then fold over the ends and roll up the pastry into a parcel. Scrunch up the last sheet of the filo and place it on top, as decoration. Bake for approximately 30 minutes, until it has turned crisp and golden.
Morgan writes her own, hilarious blog on
the internet. You can visit it and do a laugh wee wee at
sodnigella.blogspot.co.uk
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