What Do Men Really Want?
By Jeff Forte, CSIC, CME I
f you’re thinking the answer is sex, think again. It’s not just sex. It’s freedom. If we men admit the truth, we are driven by freedom more than anything else. We want the freedom to do
what we want, when we want and where we want. We want the freedom to do our own thing at the time of our choosing. We pursue careers and business with a vengeance in order to afford ourselves this perception of freedom, which includes having abundance as well as “toys” or hobbies that allow us to tap into a stress-free state. Ultimately, we want to have to answer to no one. At least that’s the big plan.
Our desire to be free sometimes gets in the way of love be- cause we don’t have the same longing for deep connection that women typically do. When we aren’t physically or emotionally available it can create lots of uncertainty and women sometimes question our commitment to the relationship when we seem “distant.” Now back to sex. Yes, sometimes it seems like we want sex
more than anything, and maybe there is some truth to that. We do want sex and a lot of it. More so, though, we want to be ap- preciated for what we bring to the relationship. We want to be acknowledged for our work and our sacrifices for the family, as well as our efforts to make you happy. We will feel like a failure if we cannot.
Appreciation is Paramount Here’s what you really need to know. Lack of appreciation
is by far the single biggest complaint that I hear from men in my private coaching practice. I hear it constantly. I have heard it from men for more than 20 years. It grinds us down over time and can build a sense of bitterness about you. The interesting thing is we will likely never tell you that’s what we need. We have no idea how to do that in a way that doesn’t make us look like wimps. It’s difficult for most of us to even admit that we need that acknowledgement, but if it isn’t there the bitter feel- ings build.
This is very real. And you should know in case you want to do something about it to help solidify the relationship. It’s your choice, it’s up to you; we really can’t ask you in a way that makes us feel manly. We do want to feel respected, but that’s just another form of appreciation. That’s not the thing we are after.
Now is Good Now you are probably thinking, “I do appreciate my man,
but I want to be appreciated too.” Usually this indicates that you are waiting for him to do something more for you first. And then you imagine that you would shower him with your sincere ap- preciation. Is that really true? Why are you holding back? Maybe you think he owes you, or that you are too hurt from something he said or did to want to be grateful for him being such a big part of your life. Do you have a story about him that is keeping you from giving fully? Are you feeling empty because of him, or is it something
else and you blame him because it’s easier than looking inside of yourself? We all have reasons why we fail to do the little things that would make the greatest difference.
How to Make Sure He Knows
Frequently, despite what women might be saying that they are doing for their men, it is not being felt as appreciation. I have heard dozens and dozens of women say that they are indeed showing their men how grateful and appreciative they are. Whatever it is they are doing, it doesn’t seem to be working very effectively because he isn’t feeling it, and that is the only true litmus test. He wants to feel appreciated and valued and often doesn’t.
Worse, he can feel taken for granted. Sometimes he even feels used and unimportant in your hectic life. When was the last
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